Did we feed his narcissism..
Did we feed the monster? Or did we create it?
And you, you at home, watching a whole fucking documentary about **** ****, are you complicit?
Ok, so I will just use The Witcher as my background noise while I edit my article.
12/22/19
12/15/19
More Movies
To celebrate the end of inferno, that is code for Fall 2019, I went to see Richard Jewell, as if this movie was going to drown the bitterness of Dark Waters.
Hell nah. Nah son!
Damn Sam Rockwell as well, also damn the media focused on Olivia Wide's character. Damn the lack of coverage over the actual treatment this guy has been submitted to by actual government officials. Damn everything about coverage surrounding all the movies that push the American audience to rethink their choice to delegate their critical thinking to higher ups. My heart goes to the other productions: Dark Waters, Joker, Official Secrets..
I fully empathized with the main character and appreciated the presence of Mr. Rogers as the backdrop and safety blanket. It's not a Mr. Rogers movie per say, but damn I missed Hanks and needed a Hanks marathon after that one. So I watched Philadelphia and Terminal and got dehydrated and that was it
Inspired by chunks of Shia's childhood. This was heartbreaking truly, especially for the rehab scenes. But seeing Shia playing his own father and FKA Twigs in her brilliant role, it got me good.
I couldn't wait until finals were over to watch that, that's how much I anticipated this feature. I watched it the night before turning my Quantum exam. And after watching it, I didn't calm down. The character writing is amazing, just amazing. Adam knows how to pick his roles, but Scarlett is surprising me with good roles lately. Good for her!
Now to wait for Uncut Gems, Waves, Cats and 1917 and the Witcher series and final of Rick and Morty. What a year!!!
Dmitri Dmitriyevich Shostakovich
Just when you think you've done the gran tour of USSR composers, one unexpectedly pops up.
I fucking love doing research, and I fucking love doing the one related to my writing even more.
12/13/19
To Remember a War : Eerie, Lonely and Haunting
A friend had shared these artworks in photos while on a trip. I was at awe back then at the shapes and the reminiscences they were expressing. I didn't understand any of the text or the contest, but just seeing these erect symbols in pictures instilled me with a foggy dread and evoked the stillness of grey Eastern Berlin and the clashing communism niched within hopeful Prague. Now with this new video on my feed, I go back to explore again these monuments
"They are located all over former Yugoslavia (Balkan peninsula). These are from Serbia, Bosnia and Herzegovina and Croatia. They are all commemorating the evils of war and heroic acts. For instance, the one in Jasenovac (the bird-like sculpture) is located on the place of former WWII Croatian concentration camp Jasenovac (if you google the Jasenovac you will see, it is supposed to be the cruelest and most horrifying camp of WWII). what is fascinating is the level of abstraction and arguably attempt to make peace amongst different nationalities who did despicable things to one another, not only during WWII but also sadly even in the 90s"
I remembered the pictures and I should put them here. I should have done back when I found them, but damn I was so not in the head space adequate to take that sort of actions
All pictures are property of Matej Jasso
12/11/19
What PhD feels like right now
While sitting here, preparing for my quantum finale and anticipating the relief I hopefully would feel once all my exams are over and my grades are up, I realized that this moment is but the fractal of my PhD journey so far, to the punctuation point.
And I must admit between the two, it was Vangelis who frequently ruled over the sound space. This semester is under the hymn of Sweet Solitude and The Blue Monkey, they take the cup home these two.
Sitting in coffee shops where regulars have registered me by now, white noise of the comers and goers that have no coffee culture whatsoever, laptop turned on always and providing references and music, assignments and white paper nesting near a cup of coffee doomed to always be filled and emptied, over and over again, even when my hands start shacking and my heart beats too fast too oddly, my eyes aching from the pdf reading while my pocket is thankful for the spared 300 something dollar textbook that wouldn't have been enough anyway because right now it is an affair of at least three books per class, my food hastily gobbled up, the cheapest vegetarian thing I could get plus a little treat because that's how my life is right now: spending too much on outside vegetarian food and constantly buying myself treats to nurse the stress and the anxiety as best as I could do. And the whole thing while permuting between Shisho if I am feeling a teeny tiny hope or a little ember of energy
Or Vangelis, otherwise.
And I must admit between the two, it was Vangelis who frequently ruled over the sound space. This semester is under the hymn of Sweet Solitude and The Blue Monkey, they take the cup home these two.
I am taking a break, trying to decide if it's grim or sad or melancholic or negative or normal to have this moment as a fractal. I haven't been able to read my own moods for few months now. And just when I surrendered to no longer looking for the why and how, I stumbled upon the response.
And man did it provide the how and why and made sense of plenty of things. I was listening to this in another coffee shop, working on another assignment from another class. I stopped and just listened to that thing on repeat, digesting the facts and letting them sink in. I have been more tranquil since then, more than I have been in some time, and it helped me with the final push I so needed to wrap up this infernal semester.
I mean this moment was fated to wrap up anyway, but to me, the matter of how I would come out of it was the main issue. I contemplate how I am coming out of it now and I am not satisfied, I'm not unhappy, I'm not frustrated either. I'm just existing, which is much better than whatever the hell I was doing before.
On another hand, while I spent my time mostly in coffee shops when I wasn't at work, I managed to go to the movies frequently, the most I have been in my whole life. I also attended every local performance of our classic local hall and every play in the region. Finally, I went through my mandatory marathons, namely Dune saga. Man how much I cried at work, before class, while donating plasma and while driving, over Leto II mainly, and the rest unevenly. It just never gets to a point where I am used to the books and the events. My understanding doesn't help with the emotional turmoil the books set in me.
I am getting tired already in this iHOP, and the waiter is not helping: Dude keeps bringing the coffee, and I keep drinking, he keeps refilling the cream bowl and I keep putting some in my mug. But it will all be over soon.
And then, I promise, I will go to a coffee shop and sit, and not do anything for the whole time while I am sitting. No book, no laptop, no phone, nothing.
12/9/19
Where the Fuck is Eminem?
A croire que la semaine des examens et un Lundi ne sont jamais une bonne excuse pour qu'un type specifique de trous de culs la mette en sourdine.
Non, le type "stick-up-his-butt" doit en plus circuler entre les bureaux comme le sheriff a mater nos ecrans parce que son dernier email pseudo "passif-agressif-poliment-cinglant" n'a pas rempli son but et que par consequent, il a toujours pas acces aux licenses. Moi, par contre, je trouve que ce genre d'emails remplit admirablement son but. La preuve: Personne ne lache les licenses des logiciels ou annule leur acces au serveur et monsieur reste bloque, incapable d'ouvrir l'un ou l'autre.
Et ce type, a chaque fois qu'il passe troisieme et decide de faire son sheriff, pour une foutredieu de raison que je comprendrai jamais si ca se trouve, il decide de marquer une pause a ma gauche et de parler au "kisses-asses-and-tell-them-how-they-taste" en diagonal de moi. Il ne va pas echanger deux phrases puis continuer, non! Il ne va pas non plus decider de contourner les bureaux et aller vers son interlocuteur, non! Il ne va pas la fermer et passer a autre chose non!
"Stick-up-his-butt" decidera que c'est le moment de parler de sa maison nouvellement acquise alors qu'il est meme pas je ne sais quoi, qu'il pense integrer le cycle doctoral mais attend un prof qui le merite, que lui au moins il est reglo avec son pretre dans son service catho, que son the bio infusion est europeen certifie, que...
-Where the Fuck is Eminem? Where is Fucking Eminem when you need? Dude, where you at?
Desole Maitre Hirasawa, desole OST de FF, desole la musique classique ou les ondes positives qui ameliorent la concentration et les meditations inspirees plus new-age tu meurs. Si ce n'est pas Eminem a fond dans mes oreilles au travail, je vais finir par lui enfoncer un autre balai dans le cul a ce petit trou de cul. Apparemment, si "stick-up-his-butt" ne fait pas son travail dans son coin, personne ne va se concentrer sur le sien. Et apparemment, les tenseurs de quatrieme rang qui riment pas trop et les reductions de donnees de tests qui recquierent des interpolations manuelles sont des choses que je peux faire en auto-pilote en ayant sa voix de petit con arrogant dans l'oreille.
Putain! Deja que bosser avec des enfants qui n'ont pas vu grand chose du monde que ce petit bout de midwest de mes deux, c'est triste. Mais en plus, avoir affaire a des gamineries aussi previsibles qu'irritantes de la part de pseudo-adultes qui n'ont aucune autre experience professionnelle et sociale en dehors du labo aseptise, plaisant et bien securise avec son personnel unidimensionnel tout aussi aseptise et tres positif a l'americaine, ca me casse le crane et les nichons de plus en plus.
Surtout en de telles periodes de stress.
Mais une chose est sure, quand je demande du Eminem, je le demande haut et fort. Et avec ma voix ca porte, du coup, "stick-up-his-butt" essaie de me jeter un regard mais je suis pas presente et il degage dare-dare. Mais merci hein, j'avais besoin de me calmer et de me concentrer, la je dois me defouler et vomir ce ramassis de connerie tout en gaspillant presqu'une heure a cause de ses betises.
Putain
Non, le type "stick-up-his-butt" doit en plus circuler entre les bureaux comme le sheriff a mater nos ecrans parce que son dernier email pseudo "passif-agressif-poliment-cinglant" n'a pas rempli son but et que par consequent, il a toujours pas acces aux licenses. Moi, par contre, je trouve que ce genre d'emails remplit admirablement son but. La preuve: Personne ne lache les licenses des logiciels ou annule leur acces au serveur et monsieur reste bloque, incapable d'ouvrir l'un ou l'autre.
Et ce type, a chaque fois qu'il passe troisieme et decide de faire son sheriff, pour une foutredieu de raison que je comprendrai jamais si ca se trouve, il decide de marquer une pause a ma gauche et de parler au "kisses-asses-and-tell-them-how-they-taste" en diagonal de moi. Il ne va pas echanger deux phrases puis continuer, non! Il ne va pas non plus decider de contourner les bureaux et aller vers son interlocuteur, non! Il ne va pas la fermer et passer a autre chose non!
"Stick-up-his-butt" decidera que c'est le moment de parler de sa maison nouvellement acquise alors qu'il est meme pas je ne sais quoi, qu'il pense integrer le cycle doctoral mais attend un prof qui le merite, que lui au moins il est reglo avec son pretre dans son service catho, que son the bio infusion est europeen certifie, que...
-Where the Fuck is Eminem? Where is Fucking Eminem when you need? Dude, where you at?
Desole Maitre Hirasawa, desole OST de FF, desole la musique classique ou les ondes positives qui ameliorent la concentration et les meditations inspirees plus new-age tu meurs. Si ce n'est pas Eminem a fond dans mes oreilles au travail, je vais finir par lui enfoncer un autre balai dans le cul a ce petit trou de cul. Apparemment, si "stick-up-his-butt" ne fait pas son travail dans son coin, personne ne va se concentrer sur le sien. Et apparemment, les tenseurs de quatrieme rang qui riment pas trop et les reductions de donnees de tests qui recquierent des interpolations manuelles sont des choses que je peux faire en auto-pilote en ayant sa voix de petit con arrogant dans l'oreille.
Putain! Deja que bosser avec des enfants qui n'ont pas vu grand chose du monde que ce petit bout de midwest de mes deux, c'est triste. Mais en plus, avoir affaire a des gamineries aussi previsibles qu'irritantes de la part de pseudo-adultes qui n'ont aucune autre experience professionnelle et sociale en dehors du labo aseptise, plaisant et bien securise avec son personnel unidimensionnel tout aussi aseptise et tres positif a l'americaine, ca me casse le crane et les nichons de plus en plus.
Surtout en de telles periodes de stress.
Mais une chose est sure, quand je demande du Eminem, je le demande haut et fort. Et avec ma voix ca porte, du coup, "stick-up-his-butt" essaie de me jeter un regard mais je suis pas presente et il degage dare-dare. Mais merci hein, j'avais besoin de me calmer et de me concentrer, la je dois me defouler et vomir ce ramassis de connerie tout en gaspillant presqu'une heure a cause de ses betises.
Putain
12/8/19
Dragon Sluts XD
Rick and Morty are overachievers! This season got me rewatching the moment the episode finishes and taking bathroom breaks from laughing my ass off
"Have fun with empowerment! It seems to make anybody that gets it really happy!"
12/7/19
Dark Waters
I watched Dark Waters yesterday
And here is the article
And here is the article
Bilott doesn’t regret fighting DuPont for the last 16 years, nor for letting PFOA consume his career. But he is still angry. ‘‘The thought that DuPont could get away with this for this long,’’ Bilott says, his tone landing halfway between wonder and rage, ‘‘that they could keep making a profit off it, then get the agreement of the governmental agencies to slowly phase it out, only to replace it with an alternative with unknown human effects — we told the agencies about this in 2001, and they’ve essentially done nothing. That’s 14 years of this stuff continuing to be used, continuing to be in the drinking water all over the country. DuPont just quietly switches over to the next substance. And in the meantime, they fight everyone who has been injured by it.’’
11/30/19
Thanksgiving is over
Nothing touched and broke my heart like this in a while.
I can't wait for winter break to get them back :(
11/26/19
For my BBBS program, there were few questions concerning mentorships.
Whenever I get this line of questioning, I mention my uncle and my father, both for their commitments to my education and my independence. I have come to realize with every passing day and encounter with a girl, how incredibly privileged I was that the men in my family, the ones holding power and authority, have encourage my erudite pursuits and my desire for independence. I have realized how much could have gone wrong or wouldn't have been encouraged in so many instances. For that, I'm grateful, I'm privileged and will always mention them fondly in such aspects.
But when we were getting into some in-depth questioning, I was reflecting on something Seneca said in the lines of "We don’t get to choose our parents, but we can truly choose whose children
we’d like to be.”
And in that aspect, other parental figures show up, mentors to be clear and articulate and honest.
I came to realize early on how much of Hirasawa's child I am on the artistic scale, mental one and other levels I fail to recognize or ignore yet.
As I revisit my formative years, I see the marks of mentorship of others too to varying degrees, and perhaps the greatest common denominator between all of them is that they have no idea how much they have impacted my life, my mind, my soul, my dreams, my aspirations. I doubt they were expecting for their reach to go this far and be this deep, I don't know if they would believe it, in their graves or in other spaces and within the minds where they exist. I doubt any of it. They are like warriors of dawn's dewdrops, reminiscent of a night whose tale is folded within its darkness and fated to disappear with the rays of an assertive sun, their existence only suspected through the life they brought, spared and sublimated during the few moments they shared with the landscape.
My coordinator insists that I will be a mentor and a great guide and an amazing addition to my Little's life and... and... and... I find it all overwhelming, too much to ask from me and the kid. If I get to be an insignificant presence like those dawn dewdrops warrior, I'd be more than happy and most likely unaware of it anyway.
So for now, whenever they want me to explain what I want to be for the kid, whether her family or the other staff member, I jokingly said "a butler". She has the most saying on how she wants our time to go, and I follow and structure where she leads. I think that's the next best thing maybe?
Whenever I get this line of questioning, I mention my uncle and my father, both for their commitments to my education and my independence. I have come to realize with every passing day and encounter with a girl, how incredibly privileged I was that the men in my family, the ones holding power and authority, have encourage my erudite pursuits and my desire for independence. I have realized how much could have gone wrong or wouldn't have been encouraged in so many instances. For that, I'm grateful, I'm privileged and will always mention them fondly in such aspects.
But when we were getting into some in-depth questioning, I was reflecting on something Seneca said in the lines of "We don’t get to choose our parents, but we can truly choose whose children
we’d like to be.”
And in that aspect, other parental figures show up, mentors to be clear and articulate and honest.
I came to realize early on how much of Hirasawa's child I am on the artistic scale, mental one and other levels I fail to recognize or ignore yet.
As I revisit my formative years, I see the marks of mentorship of others too to varying degrees, and perhaps the greatest common denominator between all of them is that they have no idea how much they have impacted my life, my mind, my soul, my dreams, my aspirations. I doubt they were expecting for their reach to go this far and be this deep, I don't know if they would believe it, in their graves or in other spaces and within the minds where they exist. I doubt any of it. They are like warriors of dawn's dewdrops, reminiscent of a night whose tale is folded within its darkness and fated to disappear with the rays of an assertive sun, their existence only suspected through the life they brought, spared and sublimated during the few moments they shared with the landscape.
My coordinator insists that I will be a mentor and a great guide and an amazing addition to my Little's life and... and... and... I find it all overwhelming, too much to ask from me and the kid. If I get to be an insignificant presence like those dawn dewdrops warrior, I'd be more than happy and most likely unaware of it anyway.
So for now, whenever they want me to explain what I want to be for the kid, whether her family or the other staff member, I jokingly said "a butler". She has the most saying on how she wants our time to go, and I follow and structure where she leads. I think that's the next best thing maybe?
11/22/19
Notes from Melanie
I like Chris Stuckmann's reviews and I hope he succeeds in his endeavors. Dude doesn't want to do reviews of movies for the rest of his life and dude has had a passion for movie making his whole life.
Also, dude decided to stop waiting for someone to give him an opportunity to exercise his skills.
Dude decided to make his own luck and I respect that, like that and get inspired by that.
Which brings this baby short film he decided to share with on Youtube, which is again another effort in making his opportunity. It does require free shit. Noted Chris, noted.
So, I just want to share this today after watching twice. I wanted to share some perspective on the short film but Chris said he would be sharing an audio commentary video during the week-end. I will wait for that before sharing impressions.
But if you are here, you might as well give this short a shot !
Also, dude decided to stop waiting for someone to give him an opportunity to exercise his skills.
Dude decided to make his own luck and I respect that, like that and get inspired by that.
Which brings this baby short film he decided to share with on Youtube, which is again another effort in making his opportunity. It does require free shit. Noted Chris, noted.
So, I just want to share this today after watching twice. I wanted to share some perspective on the short film but Chris said he would be sharing an audio commentary video during the week-end. I will wait for that before sharing impressions.
But if you are here, you might as well give this short a shot !
11/18/19
Symphony of Science
In these bleak bleak oh so bleak days, this is my fucking jam from an almost forgotten if not naive old me that fucking loved science man, fucking loved science so much she wanted to smother it and eat like a fucking puppy.
Man the nostalgia meets the pain of realizing how much passion I held and which has been pretty agonizing for some time now. I fucking hate classrooms and assignments and this learning system man,
but also the environment and the headline and the weather and the load of works and the burden of being a functioning human being but also paying attention to surroundings and to the road.
I wanted to do a PhD because I fucking loved research and spent countless times pursuing the projects that I was fond of. I used to read and read and obsess over concepts and read them in three different sources or languages just to make sure I am absorbing as much as my hunger enticed me to. That drive brought me all the way here.
But now, one year and half into my PhD after two years of an MS, I look back and can't believe how much I was invested on my own without any worry or frustration.
And I'm not even yet at the research part and that's what kills me. It's the system itself and the unpredictable and unstable conditions that chipped at my ambition bit by bit. I truly truly hope this is just a matter of professors and homework and workload.
I would hate to finally get to the research part, which is by May 2020 and be burnt-out, drained if not disgusted at the idea of peering over articles and programs and topics.
Man, I fucking loved science man
Man the nostalgia meets the pain of realizing how much passion I held and which has been pretty agonizing for some time now. I fucking hate classrooms and assignments and this learning system man,
but also the environment and the headline and the weather and the load of works and the burden of being a functioning human being but also paying attention to surroundings and to the road.
I wanted to do a PhD because I fucking loved research and spent countless times pursuing the projects that I was fond of. I used to read and read and obsess over concepts and read them in three different sources or languages just to make sure I am absorbing as much as my hunger enticed me to. That drive brought me all the way here.
But now, one year and half into my PhD after two years of an MS, I look back and can't believe how much I was invested on my own without any worry or frustration.
And I'm not even yet at the research part and that's what kills me. It's the system itself and the unpredictable and unstable conditions that chipped at my ambition bit by bit. I truly truly hope this is just a matter of professors and homework and workload.
I would hate to finally get to the research part, which is by May 2020 and be burnt-out, drained if not disgusted at the idea of peering over articles and programs and topics.
Man, I fucking loved science man
11/16/19
Mainly Movies - II
November FINALLY here with some much awaited features.
What part of Stephen King you don't understand? What part of Doctor Sleep's writing you don't read?
I came for the book and stayed for more: The performances were outstanding! Especially for a King movie that is not IT. Rosie the Hat is the PERFECT CASTING. Ewan McGregor was elegant in his acting and standing aside for the little girl, and Abra! She was off the roof! I am rewatching this one for sure at least a second time
Laughed wholeheartedly and Johansson's performance was brilliant! Kudos to Sam Rockwell, this dude has been on my radar for some time and he keeps proving why.
I came for the book and stayed for more: The performances were outstanding! Especially for a King movie that is not IT. Rosie the Hat is the PERFECT CASTING. Ewan McGregor was elegant in his acting and standing aside for the little girl, and Abra! She was off the roof! I am rewatching this one for sure at least a second time
I was eagerly waiting for that one, prtly because Bale and also because it's an engineering tale. And it was predictably a downer and a realistic depiction of what my lot is compared to the suits, from the interactions to the requests. Matt Damon and Bale, not bad as a combo, not bad at all.
10/31/19
Mainly Movies
The ones that were so much worth it.
After the VVITCH, I decided that Eggers was another I'm looking out for as well. Pattinson was surreal in Good time. I thought it would be my favorite Pattinson performance, but here... Godaaaaamn.
Also, it was funny to see the Rob fans bail on the movie after some fifteen minutes, bitching about the dialogue and the lack of subtitles.
But the funniest shit was in this psychologic breakdown and Dafoe's brilliant old-ass performance.
I expected a lot of things from this movie, but laughing my ass off wasn't part of the package XD.
I wish I wouldn't get bored by running. I wish I could muster that motivation to get it together.
I wish that movie was more advertised
I only started hearing about Harriet when I came to the U.S.
The movie was more informative than artistic or contemplative, which was what I needed
That one hit me good, also underrated, badly advertised and highly important.
That one could have used less advertising. It was an interesting take on the history. Always good to have that description of events that go down the way that everyone seeking to control the outcome ends up out of control. The world in a nutshell right now
Also, it was funny to see the Rob fans bail on the movie after some fifteen minutes, bitching about the dialogue and the lack of subtitles.
But the funniest shit was in this psychologic breakdown and Dafoe's brilliant old-ass performance.
I expected a lot of things from this movie, but laughing my ass off wasn't part of the package XD.
10/28/19
Hikaru Nanase back on my playlist
For some reason, Angel Sanctuary's ost is making a full comeback into my audio habits.
And I am not mad at that at all. I just wish there was more of Hikaru Nanase stuff out there.
On the other hand, following therapist's advice and in order to push for the fun hour despite the complete alienation I feel at that mere idea, I decided to engage with the local Nano chapter. For this whole month of November, I will not only commit to the 50k quest, but I will actually attend the write-in sessions and related events. I will do this much, but I can't guarantee my level of initiative conversation wise, or interest wise really.
I attended the pre-meeting and how can I say this? I was underwhelmed by everything: The audience, the directives, the objectives, the tools, the resources...etc Plus silly me, I thought that since writing is a solitary endeavor, people would actually come to these events to meet others with the same passion and get to know them. It turned out that no, apparently, conversation is not the main focus. Getting to know someone else is not the main thing either: It seemed everyone was versed in monologue and looking to discover themselves through new eyes. While scouring the internet on self-publishing and traditional publishing and whatnot, I realized that being an author these days involve a heavy amount of self-absorption and self-promotion, whether direct or indirect. While I thought hum, maybe that is what they are being told from a marketing standpoint. And with the rise of reality TV, hell even Will Smith is buying in that open-yourself-up-to-faceless-audience game.
But nope, even in person, it seems to be the brand. I have pushed myself to attend two gatherings so far, and so far, it had either bored me good or made wish I was at the movies instead. The few people that actually dare approach me quickly drop the conversation format and choose the monologue one. I haven't interrupted someone by telling them: "I think I am getting bored, will go now" since 2016. I am finding myself again in the kind of situations or I just take my leave in the middle of the paragraph.
But I promised I will do it, for November, and I just want to prove to myself that even if something is unpleasant, if it has a chance to help me feel better, I will attempt. I used to be good at shoving irksome medicine down my throat diligently and regularly for the sake of my health, I can do it again now.
Summon the Dragon, and Cruel Tactics on the loop
On the other hand, following therapist's advice and in order to push for the fun hour despite the complete alienation I feel at that mere idea, I decided to engage with the local Nano chapter. For this whole month of November, I will not only commit to the 50k quest, but I will actually attend the write-in sessions and related events. I will do this much, but I can't guarantee my level of initiative conversation wise, or interest wise really.
I attended the pre-meeting and how can I say this? I was underwhelmed by everything: The audience, the directives, the objectives, the tools, the resources...etc Plus silly me, I thought that since writing is a solitary endeavor, people would actually come to these events to meet others with the same passion and get to know them. It turned out that no, apparently, conversation is not the main focus. Getting to know someone else is not the main thing either: It seemed everyone was versed in monologue and looking to discover themselves through new eyes. While scouring the internet on self-publishing and traditional publishing and whatnot, I realized that being an author these days involve a heavy amount of self-absorption and self-promotion, whether direct or indirect. While I thought hum, maybe that is what they are being told from a marketing standpoint. And with the rise of reality TV, hell even Will Smith is buying in that open-yourself-up-to-faceless-audience game.
But nope, even in person, it seems to be the brand. I have pushed myself to attend two gatherings so far, and so far, it had either bored me good or made wish I was at the movies instead. The few people that actually dare approach me quickly drop the conversation format and choose the monologue one. I haven't interrupted someone by telling them: "I think I am getting bored, will go now" since 2016. I am finding myself again in the kind of situations or I just take my leave in the middle of the paragraph.
But I promised I will do it, for November, and I just want to prove to myself that even if something is unpleasant, if it has a chance to help me feel better, I will attempt. I used to be good at shoving irksome medicine down my throat diligently and regularly for the sake of my health, I can do it again now.
Summon the Dragon, and Cruel Tactics on the loop
10/27/19
Chikaranouta - The song of the Force
These days, I can't help but reminisce over my prep classes days: I read, played, wrote, was on the internet and hung out with friends on a daily basis, despite the demanding program. And now I realize it had been the main reason I kept my sanity while most students around me were collapsing under the pressure. And I know that now more than ever because I went against my instincts and banished my daily fun for the sake of classes and work and it got me real good in no time. Thanks to an unlimited subscription to movies, I am starting to right this wrong. But damn this semester, just damn it....
On this Fall 2019, I unintentionally made the worst classes combo:
-I took an advanced grad (not undergrad, not second class undergrad, not grad, but second grad) in quantum mechanics, thinking that my algebra and Schrodinger would make a steady preliminary foundation and I can work my ass off to catch up and get up to date. Not with Sakurai though, hell no that text is not made for that at all! And not with the teaching model that implies you already know your stuff. The professor is great and it is my bad, but god damn, I wasn't expecting it to be this hardcore. It is too hardcore and it has been eating up at my time and thoughts. I would wake up at nights dreaming in spin 1/2 states and crying out of anger because I just can't fucking construct a Hamiltonian on my own from elusive adjectives of a fictional text. And to top it off, the papers related to the topic I am interested in still make no sense whatsoever; I understand the concepts separately, just not the whole as a whole. I am going back on a hunt for a better textbook and I think I found one I will stick by for the rest of the semester while running after the Sakurai one.
-I knew QM will be a big bite and thought balancing out by taking a cheap ass linear algebra math class: With my french model theoretical math background, it would be a cake walk, to this day, I yet have to take a grad math class in the US that would wrack my brain the way it used to in prep school. Let me give you the most basic example where I don't need to struggle: If I have proof by induction, I don't need to prove it for n=1, assume it for n=k and then prove it for n=k+1. I just need to prove it for n=1, and if it's a little bit tricky, push it for n=2 and n=3 then say "well by induction, there you go" youpi! But....But it turned out the class is less about algebra and more about already done algorithms to solve linear systems and their programming and their stability. I am by no means proficient in programming, even less in Matlab, and stability of algorithms can take a shit somewhere else than my brains, but here I am, the crap zone for Gram-Schmdit, Householder, diagonalization by upper triangulization, and already committed and spending priceless time I needed for quantum getting a hang of Matlab, rewriting programs that have been here since fucking algorithmic inception and pondering how stability is actually achieved if the fucking matrix is bounded sure, but bounded by a big large number. In my defense, the syllabus for this damn class wasn't online and I didn't think of asking for one because the title of the class lulled me to comfort. Plus, I never had to deal with a professor who didn't have a syllabus up way ahead, with the first problem set and the first lecture notes already in the system once you register. I got to have some slacky-couldn't-care-less professor this semester, that was a first in here!
-To top it off, since my classes are happening during the day instead of after 5pm, like any fucking MS and PhD class should be scheduled (at least in engineering departments), I have to come earlier to work and leave later to actually make up for the two hours I take. By the end of the work day, I am frustrated exhausted, losing my hair, eating crap with no appetite, looking to blow off some steam and doing so in the least helpful way, then back to wrestling homework and additional readings and programming trials.
This has been the worst semester so far on a technical scale. I didn't think I would have a hard time since my first semester in the US but this one, wow... The challenges are all of academic and schedule dimensions, that at least is nice, but I have to keep reminding myself why I am having such a hard time compared to other semesters. Honestly, I more often than not forget that I am taking classes with students who are 100% away from engineering, either majoring in math or physics and who had the undergrad and grad foundations. And by the way, they are struggling if not borderline lacking whenever they open their mouths or ask ME for help. Me? Dude I am the one who has to read four books and spend a day on one problem out of nine to actually allegedly catch up to your level.
Academia is a solitary endeavor, but it didn't hit me hard until this semester. To top it off, spending my roundtrip money to Morocco on redoing a fucking root canal that my fucking dentist didn't want to straight crown back in 2018 was just the cherry on top. Not to mention how gradually oppressing the social atmosphere is becoming here. I am minding my own business, keeping to my corner in a fucking edge, but I still get the little pokes here and there. My favorite and latest one was during my second viewing of the Joker: I was laughing and some girlfriend shushing her boyfriend because he knows what funny is replied back to some comment he made by stating "of course she'd laugh! a hijabi is a psycho, is that news to you?" ow honey, if that is your excuse to not having a good time, I hope you at least lube up before putting that stick up your butt on a daily basis =_=
10/14/19
Joker on Rewatch
Third time is a charm?
Nope, I will need to rewatch this one again.
I will go to IMAX right after midterms.
This one got me good, and the reactions of the audience is just... good times good times wllah
Nope, I will need to rewatch this one again.
I will go to IMAX right after midterms.
This one got me good, and the reactions of the audience is just... good times good times wllah
9/20/19
Ad Astra
I can't believe I've never thought of the many thoughts this movie provoked in my mind.
What the hell...
I cried a good load during this feature for too many reasons. I'm just emotionally drained and mentally exhausted at this point and I don't make sense to myself anymore.
Why is it that ethics and psychology practices don't seem to evolve along the technology?
Why is sci-fi still upholding the 50s American vision of what it is to be a man in futuristic settings?
Why bother with the Moon if we will be translating all the Subway-Starbucks-War on ressources culture there?
Why do people driven by ideas and mental achievement and whatnot always seem to create families and progenies on the side that will fatefully pay for being the last concern of these deity figures?
9/18/19
9/10/19
9/3/19
This is so predictable.
Talk to a bunch of self-proclaimed intellectuals about Anime culture, Kon Satoshi's art and architecture as a common character in the platform and they will condescendingly brush it off.
Show them the last and short but articulated Barbican piece on the topic, which was the indirect reason said conversation was brought up in the first place.
And they are all eyes and ears, because fucking Barbican is bringing this shit into frame.
Hell, they are NOW open to "sampling" Metropolis
I don't think I want to meet with these ladies anymore, at least not as frequently as they seem to do.
And Kon Satoshi's death anniversary was few days ago, another reason he kept popping in my mind these days.
So, I'm taking a moment to Hirasawa on that amazing man and the legacy he left.
Talk to a bunch of self-proclaimed intellectuals about Anime culture, Kon Satoshi's art and architecture as a common character in the platform and they will condescendingly brush it off.
Show them the last and short but articulated Barbican piece on the topic, which was the indirect reason said conversation was brought up in the first place.
And they are all eyes and ears, because fucking Barbican is bringing this shit into frame.
Hell, they are NOW open to "sampling" Metropolis
I don't think I want to meet with these ladies anymore, at least not as frequently as they seem to do.
And Kon Satoshi's death anniversary was few days ago, another reason he kept popping in my mind these days.
So, I'm taking a moment to Hirasawa on that amazing man and the legacy he left.
8/24/19
NYC, So far
NYC Trip Part 1:
1-Stealing the T-shirt he bought as a souvenir (Because he'll never wear it anywhere else anyway and it's a waste of a 2 dollars Goodwill T-shirt)
2-Spending time in Bushwick and Brooklyn while the couple is off to romantic adventures.
3-Reading Yukio Mishima's Confessions of a Mask, TWICE, on the same trip. That's how much commute time I spent in the NYC metro system. But it was the only way to get some time down at the Bronx and it's not like I give enough re-reading to Mishima so...
1-Stealing the T-shirt he bought as a souvenir (Because he'll never wear it anywhere else anyway and it's a waste of a 2 dollars Goodwill T-shirt)
2-Spending time in Bushwick and Brooklyn while the couple is off to romantic adventures.
NYC is definitely NOT my cup of tea, and I sure wish the touristic tendencies of my entourage got answered. Perhaps next time we can venture someplace less crowded and overrun by everything and everyone.
8/19/19
Enfin un sourire
Depuis Mars que je n'ai pas vraiment souri, ou que je ne me suis pas rendue compte que j'etais contente et de bonne humeur.
Pas l'effet que j'attendais au bout de cette tournee de NYC, mais c'est plus que le bienvenue apres la premiere partie un peu triste, un peu pourrie, un peu pourrie-gatee de ces vacances.
Pas l'effet que j'attendais au bout de cette tournee de NYC, mais c'est plus que le bienvenue apres la premiere partie un peu triste, un peu pourrie, un peu pourrie-gatee de ces vacances.
8/13/19
8/3/19
Era
Nostalgia turned into a relentless chase over internet and cross references to finally find those tracks.
I listened to those tracks back in days I had no access to internet and didn't even know the name of the band or the song.
Why do I not put such relentlessness in my own research :(?
I listened to those tracks back in days I had no access to internet and didn't even know the name of the band or the song.
Why do I not put such relentlessness in my own research :(?
7/27/19
7/13/19
Composed by 12th Century Christian mystic, writer, composer, philosopher, Hildegard Von Bingen, a visionary who left behind a treasure trove of illuminated manuscripts, treatises on theology, medicine, botany, the arts, & above all her extraordinary music. Hildegard's contributions to the cannon of universal spirituality & mysticism, are immeasurable. Her work transcends centuries & musical, religious/mystical genres. It awakened me to the ancient philosophy of "The Music of the Spheres.” That if the human body is made entirely of elements forged by stars, then indeed we are celestial bodies & the cosmos is within us. If the rotation of heavenly spheres produce tones & harmony, then they must resonate within us. Thus, music in its most sublime form, is our participation in the harmony of the universe. That we may bring some harmony to our souls in our longing to return to our celestial home.
O Vis Aeternitatis-Hildegard von BingenO power within Eternity:
All things you held in order in your heart,
and through your Word were all created according to your will.
And then your very Word was clothed within that form of flesh
from Adam born.
R.
And so his garments were washed and cleansed from greatest suffering.
V.
How great the Savior’s goodness is!
For he has freed all things by his own Incarnation,
which divinity breathed forth unchained by any sin.
R.
And so his garments were washed and cleansed by greatest suffering.
Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.
R.
And so his garments were washed and cleansed by greatest suffering.
7/6/19
On that day
I left the work office early, bought strawberries and chocolate, made chocolate wrapped strawberries then collapsed in front of the TV with my period, watching a movie where someone orders a wine glass of pinot from a food truck
Apparently, turning 30 is a big thing.
It doesn't feel that way, doesn't feel like anything special.
Never thought my birthday was special in the first place, don't remember most f those days, and it is the case for this too
Apparently, turning 30 is a big thing.
It doesn't feel that way, doesn't feel like anything special.
Never thought my birthday was special in the first place, don't remember most f those days, and it is the case for this too
6/29/19
A TV Series Tour de Force
To rest your wrists, you shall feed on the Watchlist. Until now, my predictions didn't fail me.
And with those, oh how they didn't fail me
And THIS, was worth the road trip it took to watch it:
And with those, oh how they didn't fail me
And THIS, was worth the road trip it took to watch it:
6/28/19
I caved in
... And actually hung out with the group I kept getting recommended.
-It's all a bunch of overachieving and badass ladies! You'll fit in just fine
And we actually hung out after the O'Keeffe exhibition. They went. I didn't. I joined for cafe.
And I say cafe and not coffee because at least coffee wise, these ladies do things the way I remember it done from my side of the Atlantic, not the rush-rush one of the American side.
When my therapist used the word : overachieving and then the word badass, I started wondering how the lady viewed me. I guess I never paused amidst the intense sessions and reflected how this American born and bred Midwestern typical belle (granted, with some experience abroad) saw me. When she associated me with the words and the ladies, I paused. But then, I didn't have it in me to speak up or wonder aloud or ask. I am not used to getting direct feedback, and when I get indirect feedback like that, I don't know how to speak or react or keep up the conversation.
Anyway.
So the ladies... Gosh, I wish many thing. I mean, I promised my therapist I will give it a try and two and even three. We are doing things her way anyway. But damn, there were just so many things that just...eh.
Where to start? How can I say it without being judgmental or negative?
The fuck with all this, this is my own personal space and my first impressions weren't great, which is more often than not, not a good sign.
I heard some shit I didn't think I would hear it in real life from grown supposedly self-aware self-reflecting adults:
-I was never someone who did things like everybody else anyway, hu hu hu hu.
-I have always been a bit of a loner and a marginalized person myself
-I just started reading Harry Potter, couldn't go past the first chapter, that was it.
-All that is mainstream, I actively avoid. I just can't with the middle class taste of things.
-From my time at the ivy league, I particularly miss the intelligent conversations and the insightful debates. Everything pales compared to it.
-How can I persist to exist without watching/reading this "insert obscure reference that would appeal to a very small audience"?
etc...etc...etc I sat through this for five hours and twenty seven minutes. When they joined me at the coffee shop, I was working on my assignment and noted the time because of some calculations I needed to check after some time. Then, I checked the time consistently after two hours, when I realized what I was into.
I think the funniest part of the whole exchange was the point where I wrapped up part of the discussion on introductions:
-So if I understand correctly, you ladies all come from Caucasian families of academics and technical households with one or two overbearing parents that pushed you to excel and you kept that pattern in everything you do in life, whether in pursuing a career in academia and still feeding an artist that was asphyxiated by paternal figures?
They said yes and were very enthusiastic about it and their writings and their blogs, and their future trip to see a play and their season tickets for the local performing center and I just looked at them wondering if all they stated beforehand was no longer present in their mind.
I didn't realize, silly me, that the mantle of "intellectual" and "artist at heart" and "versed hipster" were truly labels people in real life pursue relentlessly with no self-awareness and a total lack of sense of irony, what the fuck...
Why am I back to high school with the friends that are part of the old families and that barely spoke any Arabic?
-It's all a bunch of overachieving and badass ladies! You'll fit in just fine
And we actually hung out after the O'Keeffe exhibition. They went. I didn't. I joined for cafe.
And I say cafe and not coffee because at least coffee wise, these ladies do things the way I remember it done from my side of the Atlantic, not the rush-rush one of the American side.
When my therapist used the word : overachieving and then the word badass, I started wondering how the lady viewed me. I guess I never paused amidst the intense sessions and reflected how this American born and bred Midwestern typical belle (granted, with some experience abroad) saw me. When she associated me with the words and the ladies, I paused. But then, I didn't have it in me to speak up or wonder aloud or ask. I am not used to getting direct feedback, and when I get indirect feedback like that, I don't know how to speak or react or keep up the conversation.
Anyway.
So the ladies... Gosh, I wish many thing. I mean, I promised my therapist I will give it a try and two and even three. We are doing things her way anyway. But damn, there were just so many things that just...eh.
Where to start? How can I say it without being judgmental or negative?
The fuck with all this, this is my own personal space and my first impressions weren't great, which is more often than not, not a good sign.
I heard some shit I didn't think I would hear it in real life from grown supposedly self-aware self-reflecting adults:
-I was never someone who did things like everybody else anyway, hu hu hu hu.
-I have always been a bit of a loner and a marginalized person myself
-I just started reading Harry Potter, couldn't go past the first chapter, that was it.
-All that is mainstream, I actively avoid. I just can't with the middle class taste of things.
-From my time at the ivy league, I particularly miss the intelligent conversations and the insightful debates. Everything pales compared to it.
-How can I persist to exist without watching/reading this "insert obscure reference that would appeal to a very small audience"?
etc...etc...etc I sat through this for five hours and twenty seven minutes. When they joined me at the coffee shop, I was working on my assignment and noted the time because of some calculations I needed to check after some time. Then, I checked the time consistently after two hours, when I realized what I was into.
I think the funniest part of the whole exchange was the point where I wrapped up part of the discussion on introductions:
-So if I understand correctly, you ladies all come from Caucasian families of academics and technical households with one or two overbearing parents that pushed you to excel and you kept that pattern in everything you do in life, whether in pursuing a career in academia and still feeding an artist that was asphyxiated by paternal figures?
They said yes and were very enthusiastic about it and their writings and their blogs, and their future trip to see a play and their season tickets for the local performing center and I just looked at them wondering if all they stated beforehand was no longer present in their mind.
I didn't realize, silly me, that the mantle of "intellectual" and "artist at heart" and "versed hipster" were truly labels people in real life pursue relentlessly with no self-awareness and a total lack of sense of irony, what the fuck...
Why am I back to high school with the friends that are part of the old families and that barely spoke any Arabic?
A Netflix Tour de Force
It has been a mind numbing binging period on Netflix. No more homework, so more feature films.
Also Evangelion is on Netflix, so more esoterical death than I could handle right now.
Also Evangelion is on Netflix, so more esoterical death than I could handle right now.
6/24/19
Trust in that veiled hand, which leads
None by the paths that he would go
And always be for change prepared
For the world's law is ebb and flow
None by the paths that he would go
And always be for change prepared
For the world's law is ebb and flow
6/6/19
Eh
It turns out my form of meditation is giving my therapist ideas. So, she says if it works for me, then it's all good.
Then I was talking about that point and the art exhibitions point came up. I go to the ones of our university's museum when I feel inspired by the topic or the pieces. Otherwise, I don't actively seek them, and wouldn't go if the overview or the synopsis doesn't speak to me.
So Lee Krasner came up when I was speaking of Milo's abstract work:
Of all I could find of him at our university's library, these were the portraits that caught my attention. Otherwise, I think I would stick with Joan Miró thank you very much.
There was talk about Georgia O'keeffe exhibit happening in Wichita throughout the spring/summer. I haven't gotten around seeing her work and I don't feel like it. I get hammered by facts but I honestly couldn't care less right now, nor do I go exploring art for the sake of it.
If anything, I honestly feel this one thing I do to alleviate my mind and that provides some relief is in the process of getting turned into "a thing", and I can't muster the capacity to say no or argue against it or stop it. I just take the brochure and move on, then will probably flake on the person at the last moment.
And perhaps some time later, I may stumble on Lady O'keeffe (I keef her name at least) in the library or somewhere else and I will look into it. And perhaps I will like it and perhaps not, and perhaps I will regret not going to this exhibit happening right here right now and perhaps not.But until then, I don't care.
