"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
I calculated I'm averaging 14 hours of community service a week. It's increased with BB and TR and I welcome the commitment and the new people I get acquainted with. This is a period of navigating fickle waters. I don't shy away from navigating fickle waters, but I overcompensate by almost never taking a break, or processing my milestones and achievements because, murkier waters ahead and still ahead.
So I take on extra hours, and I join a new team and I intend and try to take a break from my heartbreaks. It may not always work, but at the end of the day, I find out I was less focused on my sadness at times, I poured something good and wholesome into me and others, I had new conversations and started forming new friendships, I was useful and helped where need for help was expressed.
And I go to bed by candlelight by 22h00 and I actually have a good deep sleep.
3/10/22
This is the might and magic of Hirasawa.
On a random playlist, when I need his voice and words poured into me, there comes the exactly needed song to navigate that particular spell I'm in and it's all I need to weep my helplessness and pain away, then pick my axe up and get back to building bridges.
haihoo ikiritatsu kaze wo se ni uke haihoo tooku made utagoe wo nage sora no sumi de yoru ni tsukaeta tsuruhashi wo furioroshi yodooshi de hashi wo kake haihoo tooku made kono koe wo nage
haihoo yakeochiru machi no hi wo miro haihoo yoake ni wa kimi ga umareru mune no oku de isoge to koe ga tsuruhashi wo furiorose yodooshi de furiorose haihoo yoake ni wa kimi ga umareru
※ nanzen mo no kawabe ni oto mo tatezu oriru kanzen naru chizu ni wa michi ga tsudzuku kimi e to
haihoo iki wo nomu sono toki ga kuru haihoo yoake ni wa kimi ga mezameru mune no oku de ima da to koe ga tsuruhashi wo furioroshi yodooshi de hashi wo kake haihoo iki wo nomu sono toki ga kuru
※ Repeat
—-
Heigh-ho~ With the raging wind at my back Heigh-ho~ I sing after you so far away I served the night at the corners of the sky, swinging down my pickaxe and building bridges until dawn Heigh-ho~ I call after you so far away
Heigh-ho~ Behold the flames of the burning city Heigh-ho~ You will be born at dawn A voice deep within tells me to hurry, to swing down my pickaxe and work all throughout the night Heigh-ho~ You will be born at dawn
※ The completed map silently descends upon the shores of thousands of rivers The roads within lead on to you
Heigh-ho~ My breath catches in my throat That time will come Heigh-ho~ You will awaken at dawn A voice deep within tells me “Now!” as I swing down my pickaxe and build bridges all night long Heigh-ho~ My breath catches in my throat That time will come
Today is the Oscars, and what a beautiful sad way to keep awake after the 5h00 a.m. breakfast following a nihilistic dive into the Indie watch during Saturday, than by watching the one Indie movie of the year that brought me emotional payoff, catharsis, closure and a bittersweet sad elevated then gorgeous joy and life affirming touch.
God I haven't been elated by a scene like this from a movie in a long time.
Only thing that comes close to it is the dancing ending of Jujutsu no Kaizen and even that is its own flavor.
This one is a completely different thing and it makes me so happy I am scared of overusing it.
There is plenty of context to this dancing scene both in the movie and outside.
5/31/20
On Racism in America,
This needs to be assimilated, every goddamn line.
"Hirasawa urges you to "dive" into yourself and face your problems that hindering your journey to self-knowledge. Although that seems frightening, the rhytmh and melodie of the song seems so peaceful and quite happy. Maybe, that's because he wants to cheer for us to pass through this stage (nigredo) in order to unlock ourselves (albedo) and finally conquer ourselves (rubedo)..."
I can't express in words how comforting this thought is.
My boss is quitting at my workplace. My writing doesn't want to be wrapped. My boss was one of the main great things about working at my workplace and working with him was one of the few good things Wichita bestowed upon me.
I missed the damn bastard, I miss him even more now after his farewell email. I'm not about to cry as much about him as I did over S. but it is quite a blow.
It was a hell of an honor to work for such a brilliant and understanding guy with leadership T.T
"The progress of science is the discovery at each step of a new order which gives unity to what had long seemed unlike.Faraday did this when he closed the link between electricity and magnetism.Clerk Maxwell did it when he linked both with light. Einstein linked time with space, mass with energy…
Science is nothing else than the search to discover unity in the wild variety of nature —or more exactly, in the variety of our experience."
I don't think Chihiro realized the extent of it and its weight and its consequences and overall, its fractal process, when she was stepping back into the "human world" with her parents. She got a hint of it and turned, then got a hint of it and looked for few moments at the tunnel. Maybe someday, she will be collecting dry laundry and then it will hit her. Maybe it will never happen. Maybe it will happen in the school, who knows. There is no methodology.
I think Haku was the one to feel the extent of Life at that separation and he kept it to himself, and he shared the hope they would meet again, for he will always be in her heart.
Ultimately, it's this soundtrack that renders the extent of the emotion stuck in that moment, and I think this particular artwork at that particular moment, is the fractal of Life.
It's just there and I look fully inward while listening to it, feeling it in every cell of my body and thinking about old days and coming days in the freshness of a dry summer among the green of the North or the sand of the South. I think of that sweetness of that solitude, the melancholy of it and just like that, I get a speeding ticket.
I'm afraid I won't be able to put in words what the everything everything I felt and was surrounded with this week-end. Enumerating will only demean the warm limbo I was in.
-"Z. let us know at least next time. Only David gets to pose, not fair"
-"This college town is so beautiful, it's not fair. You guys get to be together AND have a beautiful cheap city to live in"
-"You know me too well my dear dear Jesus. How will I ever walk out of this store? This place is amazing"
-"Quick then! Let's pull back the bookshelves and bury you here under the volumes. You will never leave"
-"This is the town square by the way. It took sometime to realize this square of tulips surrounding the estate building was the town square"
-"To be fair, it is a square."
You look high without weed man, what are you high on? Philosophy?
-"Remember when I used to be passionate about Wittgenstein and philosophy and was all passionate and shit? now it's all Verlassen, verlassen, verlassen bin ich"
Sonofab!tch killed his inner fire, all the best to rekindle another one D.
My cutie-patootie, amongst them the one and first and only Murican-Murican I had the pleasure to meet so far, who is a genuine person.
Just when I was coming out of the worst toothache I ever had, pondering if the poetic words of Arthur over "Je est un autre" truly agreed with the sardonic political body -l'animal social- of Nietzche, wondering why these exact lines resonated with Bob Dylan and how do they even fit with Bronte's early poetry, I get this:
The Prisoner held me by the throat while Sensations softened my heart. And the PSP with FF VII Crisis Core made me laugh so hard my jaw needed another round of narcotics. Gosh how good it feels to cry out of joy.
Oh Megan, I couldn't have been more grateful for initiating a conversation with a stranger at a Final Fantasy concert. of Omaha, I may still recall the frustrating taste of bad trip and bad company and logistics, but they are all fading memories and eventually they will decay into oblivion, compared to the sweet remembrance of you, that night, and Master Arnie. Chicago brought me more time with you. I hope we will meet again in the future, I hope I will get to spend as much time as I want and need with you, I hope you will be well and kind to yourself until then. Thank you for the early graduation memento :), I hope I'll honor the beautiful feelings your friendship instills in me.
You can't go wrong with a fellow Final Fantasy VII Fanatic, oh no!
Gosh thank you thank you thank you.
Pis bon, comment penser a Arthur Rimbaud sans penser a son grand fan Corto Maltese? Et comment penser a Corto Maltese sans penser a Bouche Doree?
Ces narcotiques americains rendent les danses de mes abeilles plus chaotiques.
Bewildered as to how some life forms can answer every line of a song to the punctuation point and the chorus.
Seriously, humans can scratch deep under their skin and come up with twisted things that make the twisted things of yesterday look like kindergarten sandbox fights.
Pitbulls have been rocking my life of late again. This puppy needs to put some weight and age for spaying. I had his darling mother before.
Early mornings are for slow breakfasts and dancing with dogs to pop music, then chilling on the couch while cuddling with them and browsing the news to Hirasawa's tunes.
“...The fundamental fallacy in this kind of thinking is that the reductionist hypothesis does not by any means imply a 'constructionist' one: The ability to reduce everything to simple fundamental laws does not imply the ability to start from those laws and reconstruct the universe...”
Nobel laureate, Philip Warren Anderson “More is Different”
2016 is....not to be summed up in a word, or a sentence, or a book.
All I can sum up is my gratitude for the Einstein's elevator paradigm of experiences throughout it.
Much was intense, on the extremes of the spectrum: the good of it, the bad of it, the terrific, the terrible...Little was mellow or tranquil and it was welcome as it was a very brief, but yet present breather between collercoaster's ride.
I am grateful for every bit of it, and amidst the suffering, Humankind's alienation and the canvas of dim colors and awful sensations, I am at awe at the little dots of colors and lines, however fine, of lively hues: our moments of joy: the beloved ones that were spared, the cherished ones that overcame their health issues, the close ones endowed with bravery and endurance to keep on fighting and moving forward, the inspiring ones that provide us with more content, the anonymous ones with uninterested acts of kindness, the hopeful ones still working for our world and the gone ones, wasted potential or fulfilled promises as they can be, be at peace.
And stay well and healthy, and endowed with inner fire dear reader.
One of those priceless opportunities where a friend can take pictures of me with my guinea pigs.
I don't care how un-guineapiggy I am.
My friend said he'd picture me better with a sloughi on one hand and a Tibetan mastiff on the other. If I ever am to seek breeds instead of strays and spontaneous encounters with pets, I will take it into consideration, but with my history with animals, I already think I will go for the stray ones and the spontaneous encounters. The first guinea pig I adopted was a solitary grandpa ditched by his owner. Those were the last in the first petshop I found on the way.
My guinea pigs are almost four months now and still growing. Going on a trip with them proves exhausting, especially for week-ends at the parents. But all in all, when we're waiting for dad to come pick us up, we get the leisure of playing in the forest near my workplace and it is not an opportunity I can always provide to those lovely patient and fluffy creatures.
If I am to go abroad, I am definitely taking Zishlaw and Cauchy.
