Took Sonny with me today on a shift. He was such a good boy.
12/27/21
Maid
12/17/21
Old Friends and deeper roots
Nothing beats this. This made my Friday and the whole rest of my week-end. Love you Z. and your munchkins and your wifey.
12/14/21
Taco Tuesday
And just like that, I had an epiphany: Wichita is not as horrible as it used to be to me.
12/11/21
12/7/21
11/29/21
Nicest Surprise of this season
11/25/21
1st Thanksgiving in the U.S.A.
And it was fucking great, with a pack of dogs and nice genuine people, small gathering, great food and first times!
Movie at the end was the cherry on the top.
I hope these memories will always be happy ones to warm my heart and reminisce over.
11/17/21
On point
Manager has the ignorance to mention how he wants us to disconnect during the break and reset and recharge and ... and... and...
Dude, that is an option when you don't have to worry about bills money, rent money, transport money. That's an option for you with your "fuck you" money, "fuck this" money, "fuck off" money.
I don't even have "oh, not paying me for two weeks? no problem. I have savings" money, let alone "I can afford a Christmas break trip" money or "let me self-actualize" money.
As usual, the analysis is on point and the issue at hand is blatant, but it feels fucking good to hear the challenges voiced out, validated and given concrete reality through words.
Vito for TEN DAYS
I got Vito on pet sitting duty (though it's more of a perk and treat than a duty with him :3) during the Thanksgiving period.
He just turned 8 years old and to top it off, being away from the big dog has resulted in him getting back to his soft and cuddly character, which I so can't get enough of, and end up going to work just on time because I don't want to leave him >.<
He is the most precious kitty and he deserves all the goodness possible and I love him so much and wish I could keep him and Sonny to myself and stuff T.T
11/13/21
The French Dispatch
This one overdid itself in several fronts. A whole ass cake made out of frosting. I wasn't expecting to be hit by some memories from my first age either, but goddamn!
Je voudrais que la rose
Fut encore au rosier
Et que mon doux ami
Fut encore a m'aimer
Il y'a longtemps que je t'aime, jamais je ne t'oublierai.
11/8/21
“Dehumanization, which marks not only those whose humanity has been stolen, but also (though in a different way) those who have stolen it, is a distortion of the vocation of becoming more fully human. This distortion occurs within history; but it is not an historical vocation. Indeed, to admit of dehumanization as an historical vocation would lead either to cynicism or total despair. The struggle for humanization, for the emancipation of labor, for the overcoming of alienation, for the affirmation of men and women as persons would be meaningless. This struggle is possible only because dehumanization, although a concrete historical fact, is not a given destiny but the result of an unjust order that engenders violence in the oppressors, which in turn dehumanizes the oppressed.
Because it is a distortion of being more fully human, sooner or later being less human leads the oppressed to struggle against those who made them so. In order for this struggle to have meaning, the oppressed must not, in seeking to regain their humanity (which is a way to create it), become in turn oppressors of oppressors, but rather restorers of the humanity of both.
This, then, is the greatest humanistic and historical task of the oppressed: to liberate themselves and their oppressors as well.”
― Pedagogy of the Oppressed
11/6/21
10/25/21
Fawning over Dune at Work
Nothing beats getting riled up over DUNE with a colleague on a grim cloudy Monday morning, especially when you don't expect them to be a fan and it turned out they read the first book at least.
10/16/21
Schubert-Die Winterreise D 911
On repeat while waiting for metal/punk night with LGBTQ fundraising. Today is a mood
10/10/21
The closer the farther
Culture War. Furthering it instead of bringing in empathy.
Fucking hell.
Black Trans woman perspective: https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2021/oct/09/dave-chappelle-letter-trans-comedian-netflix
9/16/21
9/7/21
Dogsitting times
Somehow, this time, I found some connection to some old happiness, some old cocoons, other times
And playing on D.'s PS4 proved an excellent tactics; my progress isn't locally saved, I'm playing a new version of Rayman platform so no story or music involvment and I can let go of the controller without thinking too much once I'm tired.
Speaking of music and platform though, these were some rad levels.
8/24/21
8/4/21
7/31/21
This world needs The Green Knight Fantasy
Fantastic and excellent movie to go back to the movies for (finally)
7/20/21
o put some ointment on my soul
I will stop crying and looping at some point.
I haven't heard something new from him in sometime and this just hits everywhere and everything.
7/17/21
Uyafaafuji's Refusal: An Ode To The Yanbaru // 先祖たちの拒絶
Colonization's impact, aftermath, consequences and collaterals as well as ancestry and generational inheritance are deeply personal and important topics. I've always struggles to convey my thoughts about them or expand on them. The closest nonfictional read I've had on the topic was Les identites Meurtrieres by Amin Maalouf and it miserably failed me.
So it was the most bewildering gift of 2020 that I would stumble upon a contemporary poet, shō yamagushiku, whose crafted words would not only convey my feelings over the topics, but also expand on the thoughts I have been having, demystify them through the spoken word and offer venues of critical approaches and healing. He didn't have to be from the same background than me to speak up the polarity, the process of unlearning, the shedding of the intrusive skin and the call of ancestry in the almost sickening way it calls within one's bones.
I understand the struggle of making a controversial voice heard in the mainstream of comfort and appeal for more of less the same. I understand the call to discomfort is not 'trendy' yet and consumers of entertainment want to be entertained, even when tackling hard issues.
But I'm happy my favorite poet is FINALLY treading the Indie path and making his own path. I invite you guys to check a sample of his upcoming duo album:
Uyafaafuji's Refusal: An Ode To The Yanbaru // 先祖たちの拒絶
shō yamagushiku and yana-imi are a spoken word/uta-sanshin duo based on the lands of the WSANEC/Lekwungen and Tongva Peoples respectively. Their work prioritizes the creation of immersive sonic soundscapes accompanied by visual media to convey stories that weave a lifeline to their island roots. Together, they call on their ancestors’ guidance to tell stories of yearning, loss and recovery from a shimanchu (Ryūkyūan) perspective.
ショウとヤナイミは、WSANEC/LekwungenとTongvaの両民族の土地を拠点に活動する話し言葉・歌三線のデュオです。彼らの作品は、自分たちのルーツである島へのライフラインを紡ぐ物語を伝えるために、映像によって没入感のあるサウンドスケープを創り出すことに重点を置いています。彼らは、祖先からの指導を仰ぎ、島人（琉球人）の視点から憧れ、喪失、そして回復までの物語を共に語ります。
https://powellstreetfestival.com
From the dense rainforest of memory, strange images and sounds present themselves. Our uyafaafuji (ancestors in Okinawan language) appear to intervene in our daily lives. They refuse to let us forget, refuse to let us compromise and refuse to let us live restrained by the laws of the nations that seek to claim us. This video offering combines uta-sanshin, spoken word and elemental images to invoke a dialogue with our uyafaafuji, known and unknown. We inhabit this place in hopes of better understanding our responsibilities and to increase our capacity to choose relationships that are grounded in mutual reciprocity and respect.
Album preorder at a starting price of $3 : https://yanaimi.bandcamp.com/album/uyafaafujis-refusal-an-ode-to-the-yanbaru
7/11/21
6/20/21
Moroccan Beach Ambience
Without Morocco, without beach, and the ambience suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks
Modjo - Lady hear me tonight
Empire of the Sun - We are the People
Bon Sinclar - World Hold On
David Guetta ft Kid Cudi - Memories
Irene Carana - Flashdance What a feeling
Infected Mushroom - Trance Party
Mr. President - Coco Jambo
6/18/21
6/13/21
Everything happens to me
I make a date for golf and you can bet your life it rains
I try to give a party and the guy upstairs complains
I guess I'll go through life
Just catchin' colds and missin' trains
Everything happens to me
I never miss a thing
I've had the measles and the mumps
And every time I play an ace
My partner always trumps
Guess I'm just a fool who never looks before he jumps
Everything happens to me
At first my heart thought you could break this jinx for me
That love would turn the trick to end despair
But know I just can't fool this head that thinks for me
I've mortgaged all my castles in the air
I've telegraphed and phoned
I send an "Airmail Special" too
Your answer was "Goodbye"
And there was even postage due
I fell in love just once
And then it had to be with you
Everything happens to me
5/31/21
5/26/21
5/21/21
Robin Hood of Books
As a struggling aero scientist in progress with a field where every goddamn hardback of value is 500 bucks and beyond, I asked for his books.
Head of department would rather have other professors grab them.
Really?
The same people with established libraries and a budget and means to get free and reduced books?
Ok, wow wow wow... Wow.
What to do?
Wait for months lurking around the professorless office and tracking books' presence
Bug the secretary
Get Maria on board so two applying pressure crack the nut already
Finally hear about the books being moved to some attic to gather dust
Plead case of being a broke ass scientist who can't get some fucking jewels anyway
Get the secretary discrete blessing when she leaves the door open for some minutes
Grab Maria
Get to the books
Sneak EVERY MOTHERFUCKING ONE OF THEM into the car's trunk
Get the stash
Spend the week-end discussing how to split the stash
On the way find a spirit book that screams I AM YOUR TRUTH and take a selfie with the fuckers.
We OWN THIS SHIT NOW YO!
5/11/21
5/4/21
Ten days later, finally. A state of inner stillness and emptiness, perfect, for few minutes
workout clarity.
Told D. and he said he often slides in this state and blacks out for some time.
I in the meantime have to meditate my way to it, or get it workout clarity style
5/3/21
Spent Sunday looking for this verse and found it this morning while looking for something else
What a life, dude.
Like him whom fable fledged with waxen wings,
In sorrow drowned - but not in sorrow lost.
How wretched is the man who never mourned!
I dive for precious pearl in sorrow's stream:
Not so the thoughtless man that only grieves:
Takes all the torment and rejects the gain,
(Inestimable gain!) and gives heaven leave
To make him but more wretched, not more wise
4/30/21
Ani Mevushal
Damn dude, Last year, after few listening sessions, I had decided:
- More Than Just the Same is the weakest one of the discography of Infected Mushroom.
- It's actually less of the same T.T what the fuck you guys!
- More of just the same is the only banger.
Today for some reason, Ani Mevushal finally clicked and I have had it on the loop for the clearest part of the day and I need it in my car and I want it as a writing/editing background and what the fuck dude, do I have to revisit every album periodically until shit makes sense now?
To be fair, TO BE FAIR, I have done that over the years unconsciously with Hirasawa's creations and Uematsu, but these entities are in their own goddamn leagues. If could shoot their music up my blood stream and tattoo the melodies and lyrics in my bones and be buried forever in their acoustics, I'd fucking do that.
So.
Ani Mevushal is a bangers as well and the album is not so bad and I take some of what I said back S. and A.
4/29/21
Somehow, these days have held life affirming discoveries.
Latest being an old connection and friend from the engineering days sending me these pictures from a time where I couldn't believe how lucky I got to study the discipline of my choice in the engineering school of my choice.
Looking at these pictures and remembering that first semester of that first year being incredibly grateful for being present in my engineering school, to study mechanics and to be finally free to authentically pursue the STEM field that makes all the bullshit of this world seem worth it.
I am at a point of my PhD journey where the dark thoughts are often more pronounced than the inspiring ones. I caught myself lately cussing at my PhD and my research and STEM and all the fucking bullshit of this world. It's the first time I come to find out what used to bring me joy, affirmation and motivation and inspiration and... and... and... had become a bitter and sour part of my life, to the point of being alienated from science altogether.
Then, Z. sends these pictures and it just takes me back to a place of gratitude and simple things.
I'm telling you, I still can't process there used to be a time where I studied/researched/worked on projects out of the cheer pleasure/motivation/gratitude the practice itself was providing. I truly was in an ouroboros state with my academic and professional aspirations.
I stare at myself and summon back those days to my mind but I can't connect with the innocence or the simple love. It's fine. It just helps to see that this used to be my mindset at some point, nay the mindset that allowed all of this, all that I have done and went on doing after, what brought me to goddamn Wichita in the first place.
There was also something that came with these pictures, something that keeps popping up whenever old acquaintances and old friends reconnect, out of the blue.
I wasn't a 'liked' person per say. I wasn't a person with friends and group of friends and whatnot. I didn't care and didn't think twice despite all the negative talk and the violent statements of the youngsters around:
"You're such a dogmatist. You're so aggressive, you're so impolite, you're so rude, your humor is so risky, you lack social skills, you..., you..."
I didn't care, still don't. If anything, I used to dismiss these words and move forward. I didn't connect with this shit, and I wasn't about to take some idiotic stranger or an acquaintance's advice over how to be me.
Now, most of them send me some frankly sweet words, sometimes apologies, other times epiphanies or regrets. And I think to myself "damn, if I had listened to these people at those days, if I had let them in or allowed their words to be spoken into me, what a dynamite idiot I would have felt today."
So that too in a certain sense is life affirming:
When some teenager learns a fancy word like 'dogmatist', uses it however then comes back a decade later to tell me how 'they have always admired your focus and you commitments to your vision and your plans'.
When 'aggressive' becomes 'assertive', 'impolite' becomes 'honest', 'risky humor' becomes 'vulnerability and authenticity', 'social skills' become 'genuine'...
It's not so much a boost of my ego (sort of unfortunate at this point) as it is a time to reflect on those gone days and the ones of right now, where it seems the whole world is fighting me at times for the mere things I find either personal (so how the fuck dare you in the first place, mind your own fucking business) or irrelevant to me.
It's not like it's new, it's not like this shit hasn't level up made time while here and at my age. It's just that I sort of miss my absolute indifference from my early age.
Now, I fight at almost every goddamn turn. Granted, I know more and better and from the experience, I know better where and where not to fight. But now, there is this push of fighting, or making the person pay well and good enough so that the next headscarfed/woman/minority/international/STEM/Ambivert doesn't have to fucking withstand the WHOLE weight of ignorance.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just babbling through it. I haven't thought it through yet.
But as usual, with old connections reaching out, I always get confronted with the drastic change of their perspective over younger me and wonder whether there is a chance I could find some way back to that indifference and living by my example should be enough of proof and fuck it.
I don't know man, I'd better get back to work.
4/26/21
4/25/21
Another Round on Rewatch
Today is the Oscars, and what a beautiful sad way to keep awake after the 5h00 a.m. breakfast following a nihilistic dive into the Indie watch during Saturday, than by watching the one Indie movie of the year that brought me emotional payoff, catharsis, closure and a bittersweet sad elevated then gorgeous joy and life affirming touch.
God I haven't been elated by a scene like this from a movie in a long time.
Only thing that comes close to it is the dancing ending of Jujutsu no Kaizen and even that is its own flavor.
This one is a completely different thing and it makes me so happy I am scared of overusing it.
There is plenty of context to this dancing scene both in the movie and outside.
4/15/21
Trashy ass Air at 5h30 am
Wake up at 5h00, have breakfast, decent french pressed coffee, some baguette with cheese and raspberry jam, watch few episodes of 'I May Destroy You', remember Issa Rae exists, check the latest news about 'Insecure', find out the season 5 is due this year and will be the finale, wonder what Michaela Coel has got cooking, browse up her latest info, drink water before the imminent sunrise, drink some fiber (oups was about to forget that one), contemplate some writing, decide to go to office to take care of some homework and maybe do some editing, remember poetry that needs to be read for evening writing group, think of poetry collection that needs to be reread because too dense for one read, wonder when to reread 99 Francs again without it being too obsessive, remember the Arts news magazines forgotten at D. and S.'s place, try to plan for the day ahead, but no avail -mind is just not still enough for this shit-, think of making time at lunch break to come back to the apartment and meditate and put some stillness inside already, think of advisor ignoring emails for two months and half now and go through the wearisome anger/frustration/surrender motion, wonder whether it's worth it to buy those caffeinated energy bars, think of random things and never focus enough to go through with ONE thought, think you need grounding but you choose to hit the streets instead of sitting at the apartment and meditating for some.
Go outside, and motherfucker this just reminds me of more reasons to fucking leave.
The air is nasty as fuck. How the fuck can a place have nasty ass air like this at passed 5h00 in the morning? There is no fucking trash bin or waste burning field around. There is a fucking park nearby and university's premises and scattered domesticated pseudo gardens. Traffic is nonexistent or low, especially at this time of the day. How the fuck does it still manage to smell like shit at such an early hour?
I think it may be the construction sides sandwiching my apartment building (you can guess the reason I went back to working at the office. The noise is just... Wow wow wow, and the landlord has the guts to ask for a rent raise too.). But I have been around construction sites, I have lived next to them, and none of them polluted the supposedly fresh air of the morning the way this shit smells right now.
On the drive to work, I tried to shift my thoughts and let the anger just go. There is nothing I can do about much of what is going wrong right now. I can't control the weather, can't change rentals, can't control constructions, can't make my advisor answer my emails.
All I can do is escape to fucking work at 6h00 in the morning instead of meditating at my house, and take the window of the two hours before the madness resumes as an opportunity to do something within my control: vent here, do some homework, help with some exam, edit some of my writing, maybe re-edit some other, maybe advance in more.
God fucking damn it, it's like everytime I come to terms with the idea that leaving this shitty place is not within my full control, something comes up and fucks up with the little things I still sort of enjoy to ignite that fire under my ass all over again.
4/8/21
4/1/21
The attitude
Woke up at 4h28 at a DYNAMITE IDIOTIC dream.
Lately, my dreams have been fucking idiotic, like what the fuck????
So I wake up, check Signal while trying to get back to sleep.
Got news of a new birth, congrats congrats congrats.
Then saw this on reddit and I froze for a moment; now that's the attitude I have been having and the outcome is just there.
A hissing rattlesnake that confronted the fires of California.
Damn, so that's how it's gonna look in the aftermath XD.
Damn
3/23/21
Oscar's Snub
I cannot fucking believe Mr. Bachmann got snubbed :(
But also, I cannot believe, fucking believe, Quo Vadis made it to the nominations either.
Et ils ne savent toucher les coeurs qu'en les froissant.
That was one hell of a read, one hell of a watch
3/18/21
When catching up and setting time aside for some friendship quality time becomes a problem, make your friend come to your place for early breakfast then spend the rest of the time discussing with his half-asleep ass, gender and queer identity, veteran affairs, the perpetrated post-colonialism colonialism and friends in common neither of you thought were actually in common because even though you both keep mentioning each other to the other circle, they just keep quiet over who knows who.
I'm starting to wonder if information sharing is such a fucking problem or monetizable activity at this point.
Or maybe, just make sure that whoever you consider to be "a really good friend" knows you enough at least to remember your name and face.
Coz damn.
Meanwhile on my floor.
3/16/21
Alle begrüßen den Impfstoff :D
If you have told me last year, that in a year and three days, I will be privileged to get the damn thing, I'd have told you to sober up and get some help, papi!
But the county of Wichita where I am is moving to phases 3 and 4.
So the university's employees and the aviation staff (Aviation workers with military contract are deemed essential in this smoky little town. It's the main business of Lost-in-Kansas-too-many-earthquakes-no-tornadoes-aviation-capital-of-the-world-wtf Wichita) are eligible for vaccines.
And Maria and I happen to be under both!
Honestly, I wasn't expecting AT ALL such A PERK from being in the US! All I can think is how much of a privilege it is, when I don't know ANYONE from the other side of the Atlantic who got it.
3/14/21
A Three-days of Weird Timeline
Wanted to support a close friend in a competition to which she had to apply because of advisor's pressure.
Ended up dragging two other homies in the masquerade.
Spent three days on guidelines that seem to be only there for teams and not the jury, making 'pitches', adjusting 'pitches', modifying 'pitches'.
My fucking God. I hate this fucking word now.
I'm pretty sure we all wanted to quit the bullshit yet each one of us respects commitment enough to endure it.
And it fucking lasted.
Starting Friday 4h00pm all the way to Sunday 2h00pm. Shitty sleep, intensive research, fast PPT creation and reading and modification. Plus sitting there, taking erratic feedback from people who either want to sound smart, didn't read the guidelines we were given, or simply expect the ideas that they want to hear or would have themselves, damn. Chef's kiss.
My fucking God.
Here is the thing:
-Tell me a competition is for some military and defense oriented company and I'd say fuck no.
-Tell me a competition is for some American military and defense oriented company and I'd scream HELL NO.
-Tell me to solve something for the Department of Attack (doublespeak here) and 'innovate' for their benefits and the benefit of the private company, and I'd start to wonder who the fuck you think I am.
-Tell me to squeeze my brain juices, deliver references, pave the way to ideas and feasibility, make a sort of market research and quick efficient insight on innovative trends then give it all to some fucking company under the guise of academic competitions and crap, and I'd just leave the conversation at that point.
Yet, I ended up sacrificing my time, effort, resources and skills and did all that shit.
Now here is the thing; I am sitting at my place after the shenanigans and the announcement of the winners (obvi, not us) and I contemplate two things:
-What would I not do for a friend? Maybe I abused my own boundaries in this time (homegirl didn't pressure me but I knew the fucker behind her did so and she is NOT, definitely NOT a confrontational person). Maybe I didn't want her to feel left out (homegirl is the leading PhD in her team and the smartest most hardworking individual in that fucking lab and no one bothered including her?). Maybe I wanted to repay some of her goodwill and gestures. I don't know, but damn I did it and it wasn't enjoyable but we had some great laughs and I'm never ever doing this shit again.
-It's surprising to find out I can actually work in teams in this country after all; it's just a matter of people. I don't think I have worked on something with more than one person since I came to the U.S., and being excluded is just my average life at this point so I just tend to do things on my own or with the help of my homies overseas. So to see that despite our shared disgust for the topic, the way it's formulated, what we are supposed to deliver, the fucked up conditions, the shitty and contradictory feedback and our hectic schedules, we still managed to make something we all liked, something decent, and maybe too decent that at different points, one of us didn't want to share shit with these guys in the first place? That was something else!
Damn.
Needless to say, I didn't learn shit from this experience. Or rather, I didn't learn what the jolly head of the damn thing with his cringey-ass humor would have wanted me to learn. Nothing about this pile of crap was informative in a substantial manner for the benefits of the competitions. I t was poorly managed and the prizes are nowhere near worth the hassle. Leave that shit to gullible undergrads looking to add a line to their CVs.
Actually, our of the ten judges we had, only two were helpful and one was silent. Damn.
But I earned a potential team, people I know that could collaborate to a decent extent to make something happen.
And maybe next time, it will be a passion project of at least one of us, without any questionable and egotistical ethics, or some unprofessional judging thrown there to sabotage while advance and confuse instead of guide.
Finally, we were so privileged to have the doggos to constantly make us pause for cuddles and some poop therapy. I've gathered a lot of poop in those last three days just as a means to cope with the stress.
And as usual, Sonny knows when to come and give me some sugar :3. He is the Qutest boy of them all T.T
Easily the best thing of these fucked-up three days
