Wake up at 5h00, have breakfast, decent french pressed coffee, some baguette with cheese and raspberry jam, watch few episodes of 'I May Destroy You', remember Issa Rae exists, check the latest news about 'Insecure', find out the season 5 is due this year and will be the finale, wonder what Michaela Coel has got cooking, browse up her latest info, drink water before the imminent sunrise, drink some fiber (oups was about to forget that one), contemplate some writing, decide to go to office to take care of some homework and maybe do some editing, remember poetry that needs to be read for evening writing group, think of poetry collection that needs to be reread because too dense for one read, wonder when to reread 99 Francs again without it being too obsessive, remember the Arts news magazines forgotten at D. and S.'s place, try to plan for the day ahead, but no avail -mind is just not still enough for this shit-, think of making time at lunch break to come back to the apartment and meditate and put some stillness inside already, think of advisor ignoring emails for two months and half now and go through the wearisome anger/frustration/surrender motion, wonder whether it's worth it to buy those caffeinated energy bars, think of random things and never focus enough to go through with ONE thought, think you need grounding but you choose to hit the streets instead of sitting at the apartment and meditating for some.
Go outside, and motherfucker this just reminds me of more reasons to fucking leave.
The air is nasty as fuck. How the fuck can a place have nasty ass air like this at passed 5h00 in the morning? There is no fucking trash bin or waste burning field around. There is a fucking park nearby and university's premises and scattered domesticated pseudo gardens. Traffic is nonexistent or low, especially at this time of the day. How the fuck does it still manage to smell like shit at such an early hour?
I think it may be the construction sides sandwiching my apartment building (you can guess the reason I went back to working at the office. The noise is just... Wow wow wow, and the landlord has the guts to ask for a rent raise too.). But I have been around construction sites, I have lived next to them, and none of them polluted the supposedly fresh air of the morning the way this shit smells right now.
On the drive to work, I tried to shift my thoughts and let the anger just go. There is nothing I can do about much of what is going wrong right now. I can't control the weather, can't change rentals, can't control constructions, can't make my advisor answer my emails.
All I can do is escape to fucking work at 6h00 in the morning instead of meditating at my house, and take the window of the two hours before the madness resumes as an opportunity to do something within my control: vent here, do some homework, help with some exam, edit some of my writing, maybe re-edit some other, maybe advance in more.
God fucking damn it, it's like everytime I come to terms with the idea that leaving this shitty place is not within my full control, something comes up and fucks up with the little things I still sort of enjoy to ignite that fire under my ass all over again.
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