Nothing touched and broke my heart like this in a while.
I can't wait for winter break to get them back :(
11/30/19
Thanksgiving is over
Nothing touched and broke my heart like this in a while.
I can't wait for winter break to get them back :(
11/26/19
For my BBBS program, there were few questions concerning mentorships.
Whenever I get this line of questioning, I mention my uncle and my father, both for their commitments to my education and my independence. I have come to realize with every passing day and encounter with a girl, how incredibly privileged I was that the men in my family, the ones holding power and authority, have encourage my erudite pursuits and my desire for independence. I have realized how much could have gone wrong or wouldn't have been encouraged in so many instances. For that, I'm grateful, I'm privileged and will always mention them fondly in such aspects.
But when we were getting into some in-depth questioning, I was reflecting on something Seneca said in the lines of "We don’t get to choose our parents, but we can truly choose whose children
we’d like to be.”
And in that aspect, other parental figures show up, mentors to be clear and articulate and honest.
I came to realize early on how much of Hirasawa's child I am on the artistic scale, mental one and other levels I fail to recognize or ignore yet.
As I revisit my formative years, I see the marks of mentorship of others too to varying degrees, and perhaps the greatest common denominator between all of them is that they have no idea how much they have impacted my life, my mind, my soul, my dreams, my aspirations. I doubt they were expecting for their reach to go this far and be this deep, I don't know if they would believe it, in their graves or in other spaces and within the minds where they exist. I doubt any of it. They are like warriors of dawn's dewdrops, reminiscent of a night whose tale is folded within its darkness and fated to disappear with the rays of an assertive sun, their existence only suspected through the life they brought, spared and sublimated during the few moments they shared with the landscape.
My coordinator insists that I will be a mentor and a great guide and an amazing addition to my Little's life and... and... and... I find it all overwhelming, too much to ask from me and the kid. If I get to be an insignificant presence like those dawn dewdrops warrior, I'd be more than happy and most likely unaware of it anyway.
So for now, whenever they want me to explain what I want to be for the kid, whether her family or the other staff member, I jokingly said "a butler". She has the most saying on how she wants our time to go, and I follow and structure where she leads. I think that's the next best thing maybe?
Whenever I get this line of questioning, I mention my uncle and my father, both for their commitments to my education and my independence. I have come to realize with every passing day and encounter with a girl, how incredibly privileged I was that the men in my family, the ones holding power and authority, have encourage my erudite pursuits and my desire for independence. I have realized how much could have gone wrong or wouldn't have been encouraged in so many instances. For that, I'm grateful, I'm privileged and will always mention them fondly in such aspects.
But when we were getting into some in-depth questioning, I was reflecting on something Seneca said in the lines of "We don’t get to choose our parents, but we can truly choose whose children
we’d like to be.”
And in that aspect, other parental figures show up, mentors to be clear and articulate and honest.
I came to realize early on how much of Hirasawa's child I am on the artistic scale, mental one and other levels I fail to recognize or ignore yet.
As I revisit my formative years, I see the marks of mentorship of others too to varying degrees, and perhaps the greatest common denominator between all of them is that they have no idea how much they have impacted my life, my mind, my soul, my dreams, my aspirations. I doubt they were expecting for their reach to go this far and be this deep, I don't know if they would believe it, in their graves or in other spaces and within the minds where they exist. I doubt any of it. They are like warriors of dawn's dewdrops, reminiscent of a night whose tale is folded within its darkness and fated to disappear with the rays of an assertive sun, their existence only suspected through the life they brought, spared and sublimated during the few moments they shared with the landscape.
My coordinator insists that I will be a mentor and a great guide and an amazing addition to my Little's life and... and... and... I find it all overwhelming, too much to ask from me and the kid. If I get to be an insignificant presence like those dawn dewdrops warrior, I'd be more than happy and most likely unaware of it anyway.
So for now, whenever they want me to explain what I want to be for the kid, whether her family or the other staff member, I jokingly said "a butler". She has the most saying on how she wants our time to go, and I follow and structure where she leads. I think that's the next best thing maybe?
11/22/19
Notes from Melanie
I like Chris Stuckmann's reviews and I hope he succeeds in his endeavors. Dude doesn't want to do reviews of movies for the rest of his life and dude has had a passion for movie making his whole life.
Also, dude decided to stop waiting for someone to give him an opportunity to exercise his skills.
Dude decided to make his own luck and I respect that, like that and get inspired by that.
Which brings this baby short film he decided to share with on Youtube, which is again another effort in making his opportunity. It does require free shit. Noted Chris, noted.
So, I just want to share this today after watching twice. I wanted to share some perspective on the short film but Chris said he would be sharing an audio commentary video during the week-end. I will wait for that before sharing impressions.
But if you are here, you might as well give this short a shot !
Also, dude decided to stop waiting for someone to give him an opportunity to exercise his skills.
Dude decided to make his own luck and I respect that, like that and get inspired by that.
Which brings this baby short film he decided to share with on Youtube, which is again another effort in making his opportunity. It does require free shit. Noted Chris, noted.
So, I just want to share this today after watching twice. I wanted to share some perspective on the short film but Chris said he would be sharing an audio commentary video during the week-end. I will wait for that before sharing impressions.
But if you are here, you might as well give this short a shot !
11/18/19
Symphony of Science
In these bleak bleak oh so bleak days, this is my fucking jam from an almost forgotten if not naive old me that fucking loved science man, fucking loved science so much she wanted to smother it and eat like a fucking puppy.
Man the nostalgia meets the pain of realizing how much passion I held and which has been pretty agonizing for some time now. I fucking hate classrooms and assignments and this learning system man,
but also the environment and the headline and the weather and the load of works and the burden of being a functioning human being but also paying attention to surroundings and to the road.
I wanted to do a PhD because I fucking loved research and spent countless times pursuing the projects that I was fond of. I used to read and read and obsess over concepts and read them in three different sources or languages just to make sure I am absorbing as much as my hunger enticed me to. That drive brought me all the way here.
But now, one year and half into my PhD after two years of an MS, I look back and can't believe how much I was invested on my own without any worry or frustration.
And I'm not even yet at the research part and that's what kills me. It's the system itself and the unpredictable and unstable conditions that chipped at my ambition bit by bit. I truly truly hope this is just a matter of professors and homework and workload.
I would hate to finally get to the research part, which is by May 2020 and be burnt-out, drained if not disgusted at the idea of peering over articles and programs and topics.
Man, I fucking loved science man
Man the nostalgia meets the pain of realizing how much passion I held and which has been pretty agonizing for some time now. I fucking hate classrooms and assignments and this learning system man,
but also the environment and the headline and the weather and the load of works and the burden of being a functioning human being but also paying attention to surroundings and to the road.
I wanted to do a PhD because I fucking loved research and spent countless times pursuing the projects that I was fond of. I used to read and read and obsess over concepts and read them in three different sources or languages just to make sure I am absorbing as much as my hunger enticed me to. That drive brought me all the way here.
But now, one year and half into my PhD after two years of an MS, I look back and can't believe how much I was invested on my own without any worry or frustration.
And I'm not even yet at the research part and that's what kills me. It's the system itself and the unpredictable and unstable conditions that chipped at my ambition bit by bit. I truly truly hope this is just a matter of professors and homework and workload.
I would hate to finally get to the research part, which is by May 2020 and be burnt-out, drained if not disgusted at the idea of peering over articles and programs and topics.
Man, I fucking loved science man
11/16/19
Mainly Movies - II
November FINALLY here with some much awaited features.
What part of Stephen King you don't understand? What part of Doctor Sleep's writing you don't read?
I came for the book and stayed for more: The performances were outstanding! Especially for a King movie that is not IT. Rosie the Hat is the PERFECT CASTING. Ewan McGregor was elegant in his acting and standing aside for the little girl, and Abra! She was off the roof! I am rewatching this one for sure at least a second time
Laughed wholeheartedly and Johansson's performance was brilliant! Kudos to Sam Rockwell, this dude has been on my radar for some time and he keeps proving why.
I came for the book and stayed for more: The performances were outstanding! Especially for a King movie that is not IT. Rosie the Hat is the PERFECT CASTING. Ewan McGregor was elegant in his acting and standing aside for the little girl, and Abra! She was off the roof! I am rewatching this one for sure at least a second time
I was eagerly waiting for that one, prtly because Bale and also because it's an engineering tale. And it was predictably a downer and a realistic depiction of what my lot is compared to the suits, from the interactions to the requests. Matt Damon and Bale, not bad as a combo, not bad at all.
10/31/19
Mainly Movies
The ones that were so much worth it.
After the VVITCH, I decided that Eggers was another I'm looking out for as well. Pattinson was surreal in Good time. I thought it would be my favorite Pattinson performance, but here... Godaaaaamn.
Also, it was funny to see the Rob fans bail on the movie after some fifteen minutes, bitching about the dialogue and the lack of subtitles.
But the funniest shit was in this psychologic breakdown and Dafoe's brilliant old-ass performance.
I expected a lot of things from this movie, but laughing my ass off wasn't part of the package XD.
I wish I wouldn't get bored by running. I wish I could muster that motivation to get it together.
I wish that movie was more advertised
I only started hearing about Harriet when I came to the U.S.
The movie was more informative than artistic or contemplative, which was what I needed
That one hit me good, also underrated, badly advertised and highly important.
That one could have used less advertising. It was an interesting take on the history. Always good to have that description of events that go down the way that everyone seeking to control the outcome ends up out of control. The world in a nutshell right now
Also, it was funny to see the Rob fans bail on the movie after some fifteen minutes, bitching about the dialogue and the lack of subtitles.
But the funniest shit was in this psychologic breakdown and Dafoe's brilliant old-ass performance.
I expected a lot of things from this movie, but laughing my ass off wasn't part of the package XD.
10/28/19
Hikaru Nanase back on my playlist
For some reason, Angel Sanctuary's ost is making a full comeback into my audio habits.
And I am not mad at that at all. I just wish there was more of Hikaru Nanase stuff out there.
On the other hand, following therapist's advice and in order to push for the fun hour despite the complete alienation I feel at that mere idea, I decided to engage with the local Nano chapter. For this whole month of November, I will not only commit to the 50k quest, but I will actually attend the write-in sessions and related events. I will do this much, but I can't guarantee my level of initiative conversation wise, or interest wise really.
I attended the pre-meeting and how can I say this? I was underwhelmed by everything: The audience, the directives, the objectives, the tools, the resources...etc Plus silly me, I thought that since writing is a solitary endeavor, people would actually come to these events to meet others with the same passion and get to know them. It turned out that no, apparently, conversation is not the main focus. Getting to know someone else is not the main thing either: It seemed everyone was versed in monologue and looking to discover themselves through new eyes. While scouring the internet on self-publishing and traditional publishing and whatnot, I realized that being an author these days involve a heavy amount of self-absorption and self-promotion, whether direct or indirect. While I thought hum, maybe that is what they are being told from a marketing standpoint. And with the rise of reality TV, hell even Will Smith is buying in that open-yourself-up-to-faceless-audience game.
But nope, even in person, it seems to be the brand. I have pushed myself to attend two gatherings so far, and so far, it had either bored me good or made wish I was at the movies instead. The few people that actually dare approach me quickly drop the conversation format and choose the monologue one. I haven't interrupted someone by telling them: "I think I am getting bored, will go now" since 2016. I am finding myself again in the kind of situations or I just take my leave in the middle of the paragraph.
But I promised I will do it, for November, and I just want to prove to myself that even if something is unpleasant, if it has a chance to help me feel better, I will attempt. I used to be good at shoving irksome medicine down my throat diligently and regularly for the sake of my health, I can do it again now.
Summon the Dragon, and Cruel Tactics on the loop
On the other hand, following therapist's advice and in order to push for the fun hour despite the complete alienation I feel at that mere idea, I decided to engage with the local Nano chapter. For this whole month of November, I will not only commit to the 50k quest, but I will actually attend the write-in sessions and related events. I will do this much, but I can't guarantee my level of initiative conversation wise, or interest wise really.
I attended the pre-meeting and how can I say this? I was underwhelmed by everything: The audience, the directives, the objectives, the tools, the resources...etc Plus silly me, I thought that since writing is a solitary endeavor, people would actually come to these events to meet others with the same passion and get to know them. It turned out that no, apparently, conversation is not the main focus. Getting to know someone else is not the main thing either: It seemed everyone was versed in monologue and looking to discover themselves through new eyes. While scouring the internet on self-publishing and traditional publishing and whatnot, I realized that being an author these days involve a heavy amount of self-absorption and self-promotion, whether direct or indirect. While I thought hum, maybe that is what they are being told from a marketing standpoint. And with the rise of reality TV, hell even Will Smith is buying in that open-yourself-up-to-faceless-audience game.
But nope, even in person, it seems to be the brand. I have pushed myself to attend two gatherings so far, and so far, it had either bored me good or made wish I was at the movies instead. The few people that actually dare approach me quickly drop the conversation format and choose the monologue one. I haven't interrupted someone by telling them: "I think I am getting bored, will go now" since 2016. I am finding myself again in the kind of situations or I just take my leave in the middle of the paragraph.
But I promised I will do it, for November, and I just want to prove to myself that even if something is unpleasant, if it has a chance to help me feel better, I will attempt. I used to be good at shoving irksome medicine down my throat diligently and regularly for the sake of my health, I can do it again now.
Summon the Dragon, and Cruel Tactics on the loop
