As time passes in the US, this track makes more and more poignant sense.
Re-reading the Myth of Normal is not helping either.
What is it Zack said again?
"Boy oh boy, the price of freedom is steep."
He also said:
"Embrace your dreams... And whatever happens, protect your honor."
Didn't grow up to them, not a fan.
But here is the thing: When one of the so very few good friends you have in a hell hole is a fanatic, the least you can do is mindfully check out their stuff.
He sent me a selection and there were few that resonated with me.
But then again, I don't know whether it's because of them or 20th Century Boy's Bob Lennon
I haven't had that rough of a morning in forever. And boy was it excruciating.
By cosmic grace, J. was dropping by the rescue to help with feeding/cleaning AM shift. She saw me, waited until we were done, just knew, hugged me authentically, let me cry the waters of my body in her shoulder, took me to the park with coffee and a big plush toy that, cosmic grace had it, was in her car.
-He needs a name.
-A powerful name.
B. named him Monkey Boy. Monkey boy is now with me. The pain was debilitating but after spending that time with J. I was able to function, but I took Monkey boy to the coffee bar with me, dozed off, tried to be a bit productive or bring alleviation, went to the apartment, dozed off, roomie made food, Monkey boy with me.
I left for the evening in better spirits, came back to Monkey boy
I told B. during my Baltimore trip that my achievement for the day was that I went to bed without intentionally hurting anybody. Mediocre shitty achievement I thought back then. Seeing how Americans (most of those I deal with, especially in the white midwest that is) blatantly canonized and normalized using each other, hurting others along the way, having such a self-absorbed and huge ego image, makes me realize it is actually achievement.
Initially, Monkey boy was here to remind me that at least, I'm hugging a plush toy, using one for soothing and comfort, and not an actual human being.
With time hopefully, Monkey boy would remind me of J and that cosmic grace.
Because people like her, like B., like P., with every passing day in this hell hole, I come to realize how fucking rare it is to find them and be granted the gift of their care and/or compassion.
Been essentially sticking to the company of P.
In a toxic culture toxic to its own people to alienating degrees, the outsider mingling with the local waters has more heightened senses and is receiving alienation as ultimate burning levels of radiation.
So in that corner of that divebar with P. in front of me, my ebooks in my tablet, my parking lot notes, I am good, and kept safe, and keeping myself safe. I don't give into the shitty inclinations and I don't seek to answer that insidious call for self-destruction uttered by this white nationalist american christianity for everything that is not of it.
As if that made its members any saner.
Anyways, this track that P. showed me is absolutely befitting to the ugliness of the circumstances, the people, the culture in here.
It has been a saving grace in these days, something that is candidate to reignite my fire. I am partaking in it in multiple forms, hoping to God it will finally click inside me and I get my inferno back.
Good grief I want my inferno back.
Just when the tears wouldn't come out, this unexpectedly comes up and I experience some beauty and relief finally.
And shyly budding unsure friendships. That tricky and delicate and somewhat safe space where you are let in in the songs and movies and books unabashedly, without pretense.
I was told this is a powerful performance about power. It's powerful, gets your empowered. Never liked Bowie and sure wish I liked him. But it's still great to discover this through someone karaoking the shit out of it then urging you to check the live and you flat out are eh over it, but still would dedicate few minutes to check it out.
Local live music is a fun gamble I like to partake in. And I have been pleasantly surprised few times so far.
Beats me. Not a Muse fan to start with.
But if it's working, it's working. I won't get mad at it
Add to it a wacky cocktail of their songs. Man oh man I'm digging it
And no one could compare every since. A poem, a song, a tune, sweet words, baby breaths.
Nothing.
At this point, I wonder whether it's a blessing or a curse.
The West believes "with great power comes great responsability".
Where I stem it's the opposite. Perhaps it is befitting that no one comes close or compares.
Because this man is beyond and above everything, chief amongst them exercising his might over devoted fans. And as such, he keeps on sharing his gift with the world.
Before morning came, I turned the map to the vanished stars* into a song for you
And entrusted it to the people** at the ends of the earth
Hurry, oh ship! The west still lies in the middle of eternity***
Looking out from my sleep, I see that the cosmos is dreaming of you
I counted the things between us that won't change
And driven by our promise, I crossed countless bridges
The stars that vanished that day are now reflected on the river's surface
Oh water, rise up and spill over! Submerge me and bring me towards you.
Someday, let's look up into the sunlight and, on the day when the vanished stars reappear,
Let's sing that map-song that I entrusted to the people at the ends of the earth
Sing "Because I am you!" Sing "Because I am you!"
Before morning came, I turned the map to the vanished stars into a song for you
And entrusted it to the people at the ends of the earth
Hurry, oh ship! The west still lies in the middle of eternity
Looking out from my sleep, I see that the cosmos is dreaming of you
Man. Grief is throwing me all over the place, coming and going. In the moments of peace in-between, I am grateful I have this to mend some of the hopelessness
Man, I cannot wait for my poster.
Also, I rewatched this three times so far.
Convinced a colleague to go watch it again with me.
Convinced a colleague to go watch it with his fiance.
Convinced D to take his fiance and watch it.
Convinced a yet another colleague to go watch it on date night with his wife.
Will be going again on my own and assimilate it further after pretty much ingesting every motherfucking analysis and interview available with the directors and cast.
And I go to bed by candlelight by 22h00 and I actually have a good deep sleep.
It's going up against Surface Pressure and Encanto and I am loving every note of it right now
Encanto is a great early morning mood booster to have while eating the pre-fast meal.
Shitty Wichita became less shitty thanks to this couple's unfortunate (fortunate) arrival in September. It's hard enough to find connections, let alone people working on them and genuinely and generously giving and receiving. I miss them like crazy everytime the Americans remind me of just how unkind and shallow they seem to always always be.
I miss you guys so much, yet another part of my heart stranded in other parts of the world. And me a vessel of those memories at times, only sustained by them and the proof there is some hope and there is connection to be found and people deeply and genuinely and unabashadely engaged in it.
I've always being the solitary sort of person, nested in my own heart, insignificant and holy, content and curious. The one place where I was made to feel lonely and alienated has been the U.S. and only when I meet kind souls like Eva and Matej do I feel like someone took my head out of a bucket of water to remind me of air in other places.
This is the might and magic of Hirasawa.
On a random playlist, when I need his voice and words poured into me, there comes the exactly needed song to navigate that particular spell I'm in and it's all I need to weep my helplessness and pain away, then pick my axe up and get back to building bridges.
Translation from Hirasawa Lyrics
ハイホ－ いきりたつ風を背に受け
ハイホ－ 遠くまで歌声を投げ
空の隅で夜に仕えた
つるはしを振りおろし 夜通しで橋を架け
ハイホ－ 遠くまでこの声を投げ
ハイホ－ 焼け落ちる街の火を見ろ
ハイホ－ 夜明けにはキミが生まれる
胸の奥で急げと声が
つるはしを振りおろせ 夜通しで振りおろせ
ハイホ－ 夜明けには キミが生まれる
※ 何千もの川辺に音もたてず降りる
完全なる地図には道が続くキミへと
ハイホ－ 息を呑む その時が来る
ハイホ－ 夜明けには キミが目覚める
胸の奥で今だと声が
つるはしを振りおろし 夜通しで橋を架け
ハイホ－ 息を呑む その時が来る
※ Repeat
—-
haihoo ikiritatsu kaze wo se ni uke
haihoo tooku made utagoe wo nage
sora no sumi de yoru ni tsukaeta
tsuruhashi wo furioroshi yodooshi de hashi wo kake
haihoo tooku made kono koe wo nage
haihoo yakeochiru machi no hi wo miro
haihoo yoake ni wa kimi ga umareru
mune no oku de isoge to koe ga
tsuruhashi wo furiorose yodooshi de furiorose
haihoo yoake ni wa kimi ga umareru
※ nanzen mo no kawabe ni oto mo tatezu oriru
kanzen naru chizu ni wa michi ga tsudzuku kimi e to
haihoo iki wo nomu sono toki ga kuru
haihoo yoake ni wa kimi ga mezameru
mune no oku de ima da to koe ga
tsuruhashi wo furioroshi yodooshi de hashi wo kake
haihoo iki wo nomu sono toki ga kuru
※ Repeat
—-
Heigh-ho~ With the raging wind at my back
Heigh-ho~ I sing after you so far away
I served the night at the corners of the sky,
swinging down my pickaxe and building bridges until dawn
Heigh-ho~ I call after you so far away
Heigh-ho~ Behold the flames of the burning city
Heigh-ho~ You will be born at dawn
A voice deep within tells me to hurry,
to swing down my pickaxe and work all throughout the night
Heigh-ho~ You will be born at dawn
※ The completed map silently descends upon the shores of thousands of rivers
The roads within lead on to you
Heigh-ho~ My breath catches in my throat That time will come
Heigh-ho~ You will awaken at dawn
A voice deep within tells me “Now!”
as I swing down my pickaxe and build bridges all night long
Heigh-ho~ My breath catches in my throat That time will come
※ Repeat
Ah you take me back to a time, a mental state, a phase, a mood.
One. Hell. Of. A. Mood.
And I'm there for it
