Before playing

I got the PS4 but I have been extremely busy in the evenings so far, which thankfully was a good thing, because by the time I turned it on, it said it needed lots of updates, consol and game wise. Si I let it update.

I don't think I can stomach starting the game during the weekday. I will wait for Friday evening at 7h15pm to head home then start. Just thinking about it makes me all sorts of emotional and confused and at the mercy of unspoken and unknown things... Oh fu-ck me

Replaying the original FF VII is still a rich experience to me despite more than 16 years of doing that almost every six months. I can't deny how at every run, I get to discover something towards which I was indifferent or neglectful, I get to spend more time considering all the thoughtfulness and best intentions that went into every detail, every architecture, every scenery, every emotional manifestation. The emotional journey is still there too, quietly demanding and sublimating. There is still plenty that I am getting from the game to this day, there is still plenty that acts as a catalyst to further paths too. I grew up through it, with all it encompassed, from the music to the scenario to the gameplay and the jokes and colors and architectures and ambiance. There is a FF VII component within waking parts of my mind and psyche, it's something I think about daily, it has been the steadiest of my thought companions, and has provided a savepoint and a safe haven for me.

Naturally, I often daydreamed about forgetting about FF VII altogether and getting the absolute killing euphoria of discovering it all anew from scratch and experiencing it all first hand. I told the grown-ups when I was a kid, if I ever lose all my memories or go into a coma and shit, please give me the game. Just let me play this particular game. Not only I will get something I could never get back, but I am sure it will be a catalyst to map the rest of my memories.

And that was that.

But then... But then, they spoke of a remake. Then, they went into work, then they showed trailers and dived in the details I could only imagine. And to me, that was it. That was a chance to go through the game almost anew, and that was my chance to perhaps connect back with that authentic joy and these convictions and this sacred indomptable resolve that came with it. 

So now, I have the PS4 finally (long overdue since I was supposed to get it for Death Stranding but life happened) and the actual game (Thank you again M.! I can't stare long enough at Sephiroth. It just is too much at this point).

And I will finally start playing, on Friday. And I don't know what to expect or feel. But the thought of playing always sends me into a physical frenzy and robs me of my breath, so I don't know if I will survive the experience or not. But for now, I am just appreciating the noise and the dust of everyday's life, ahead of the discovery of the game.