Back to Therapy

You know what they say of therapy? You ain't done when you decide you done.

So, I had to get back to the therapist office, after two years of not needing the stuff. My old therapist has graduated, and this one will as well at some point. I like her enough. I went there for A but we are on Y and the roots of (X)^n using eigenvalues, it's getting messier and I have the feeling we are not about to understand what exactly is happening right now right now.

But I choose to trust that therapist and do it her way, follow her path. I have nothing better to suggest anyway. It's not like I can access my moods or my understanding of myself anymore. I can't even access to my peaceful places anymore so, yes, let's follow the therapist's way.

There are days I have to fight myself horribly to get out of bed.

I am methodically destroying every bit of healthy thing I have been building the past three months.

I am actively avoiding anything that was a relief. 

So my therapist said "You lead an austere and strict life, we need to change that". I didn't think that was a problem.

She has some suggestions, one of them seems to work.

I used to meditate so easily, effortlessly and it brought me the kick to start the day, the renewed energy to keep up after lunch, and the peace to get to work during the evening or to go to sleep. I used to meditate three times easily and to sleep soundly like I didn't have work and bills and PhD on my mind. Now, not anymore, I can't, I just can't. So Therapist suggests that I try something less than meditation but converging towards it, like walking and naming everything I see in my walk.

I pet sit for a colleague so I take the doggo for walks and try that, but it doesn't help.

On the other hand,  I used to meditate at to the library on the third floor. I tried going back there and ended up browsing the portfolio of artists instead of trying to meditate, which turned out luckily to be more absorbing of an activity. 

My mind hurts, not my head, my mind, and it feels like the sharpness and edge I gave that thing is turning against me. And now I am just coping man, just coping.

On the bright side, Vito and Sonny brought me a precious companionship I missed so so much