On Siam Lights

I made an oath not to write anything about Hirasawa's music, lest it is holy, lest it is to the extent of the pages I can type for the rest of the time I have.

I'm breaking this oath at this moment, for now, maybe I will remove this later, I don't know. This place is chaotic anyway.

There is an innocence to my heart that yearns to a place lost, I feel, to the pact of fully existing and being human in this world, this plane of existence. Thinking about it, I feel it already and my tears easily well up. If I focus enough, halcyon sensations come to me and I gather something back, then it's gone. It's very fleeting.

Then, there is this track. And it feels this innocence is somewhat lost within my heart, and it feels there is a maddening grief to it I yet have to unravel and be overwhelmed and utterly destroyed by it.

Hirasawa lost many of his friends along the years. The longing he conveyed on several tracks, the longing to another human being one connected once with, I felt it, I heard it without seeking a translation.

Siam Lights feels like the awareness of the loss is directed over an essence rather than a human, and unlike my feeling of yearning that has the hope of reconnecting in it, his is pure grief over an unrecoverable loss, doomed to be and keep on being, until one loses their mind over grief or choose to surrender completely and move on.

And the song holds me by the throat and freezes my soul. I feel my tears chocked up as the fatality of it all is consuming. What is the point of putting one foot next to the other? It's too otherworldly and has too much hold over me, and I don't know if it is yet a new level of embracing sufferance that I have to transcend to, or a notion of Hirasawa I can disagree with.

As usual, when I am at loss as to what to choose, I choose the hardest option.

平沢進 -「SIAM LIGHTS」


夢の向きから吹くという
燃える色の風が来て
にわかには思い出せぬまま
いつからキミはここで眠る？

空の見えない窓を開け
星の揺れに聞く音は
いますぐに届くはずなのに
遥かなキミはどこに眠る？

巡る日が遠く島から　ひとつだけ落ちてくる
知らないキミの夢から　ひとつづつ落ちてくる

角を曲がればまた会える
燃える色の影をした
いにしえの歌うたう人が
明日にはキミを連れ昇る

巡る日が遠く島から　ひとつだけ落ちてくる
知らないキミの夢から　ひとつづつ落ちてくる

巡る日が遠く島から　ひとつだけ落ちてくる
知らないキミの夢から　ひとつづつ落ちてくる


Hirasawa Susumu - "Siam Lights"

They say it blows from the direction of dreams,
This wind of burning color that comes
Still unable to remember all at once
Since when do you sleep here?

Open the window through which you can't see the sky
The sound I hear in the flickering of the stars
Ought to reach you immediately
But where do you, so distant, sleep?


From a faraway island, just one coming day falls down to me
From your unknown dream, the days come falling down one by one

If I turn the corner, I could meet you again
A person casting a shadow of burning color
Who sings an ancient song
Will take you away and ascend with you tomorrow

From a faraway island, just one coming day falls down to me
From your unknown dream, the days come falling down one by one

From a faraway island, just one coming day falls down to me
From your unknown dream, the days come falling down one by one